Today we celebrated my daughter's 4th birthday. I have always said "the days are long but the years fly." Each day I get a better understanding into what other parents of older children have told me: "It does not get easier, it gets different." Oy!
I have received a great deal of verbal praise and email feedback from many of you. While I really appreciate and look forward to your comments please try to share your thoughts directly from your feed to the blog or via facebook or twitter. It will help generate more buzz on the blog and make me feel good! Which leads me to,
The question of the week!
Tara would like to know, "How do I use a reward system to get my girls from engaging in tantrums and other less desirable behaviors?"
What is a reward system?
Reward systems or incentive charts are extrinsic motivational tools that help children to tangibly recognize and monitor their progress when refining a new skill or habit. Probably your earliest experience with a rewards system began in your elementary school classroom. Your teacher might have given stars, stickers or filled a jar with marbles everytime the class behaved. Once the jar was filled or a desired amount of stars was reached, the entire class got a pizza party or some other reward. In some cases, children with severe behavior problems or if you were like me, had trouble getting their homework done, they also might have had their own personal rewards system set up. Many parents use an incentive chart when potty training. If the tool is used correctly, charts can be created to help children to practice and master various behaviors.
Isn't that like Bribing?
Yes and no. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we were intrinsically motivated. Where we followed all the rules simply because it was right and we engaged in tough yet courageous tasks just because the joy of doing right was enough of a reward. If you think you can convince your two year, three or four year old and in many cases even older children, that cleaning their room, wearing a winter jacket when it is 40 degrees F, brushing their teeth, doing their homework or any other "not fair" task you assign your child can get it done through intrinsic motivation, I say "go for it". For the rest of us, we may need some help and that is where a reward system comes into play. Think about it, would you do your job as well as you do without a paycheck? Do you look forward to a bonus or a raise when your work is exemplary? You are not aiming to bribe your children but setting up a system of rewarding children for changing or developing good habits. If you look at my post about Praise and Encouragement it will shed some light on how to not over do it. The hope is to encourage your children to handle themselves differently, not to use the chart as a bribe. For Ex, "If you don't clean your room, you won't get a a sticker."
How is it done?
First focus one one or two habits that you want to work on with your child. Cleaning up their room, being a a good host or hostess, reading or doing homework proficiently, etc. What ever it is, you must make it clear to your children that your are developing a chart that will help you both to keep track of important behaviors. Create the chart in front of your child and if they are old enough they can help too. The chart can read: Each time ______ cleans up her room without a tantrum she will receive one sticker. Once ______receives 5 stickers she will be able to: ____________________. Reward choices should be agreed upon before the chart is completed. The chart should be hung up in a visible space so children can view their progress. Stickers should be kept in a specific place and be given to the child to stick on only when a desired behavior is performed and approved by a parent. Start by making it not too difficult to achieve the desired behavior make it possible for young children to complete the chart by 2 or 3 days. Older children may be spread out over a week . It takes about 21 days for a behavior to become habit for adults. Give at least 10 to 21 more days for children to create a new habit. Important rule: Children may not ask for stickers. Parents must decide when a sticker is rewarded. Do not take stickers away. Once a sticker is earned it stays.
What types of rewards?
For young children, rewards must be tangible, meaningful and immediate. Keep rewards small and simple. A small train, a tiny figurine, a book, playing or earning time to play a specific game or watching a video will be enough. Pre buy all rewards and keep them in your home away from childrens' view. When children reach their goal you can present them immediately with the prize. Stay away from big tagged items, unrealistic trips or food. While children view the prize as the means to an end at first, your goal is simply to recognize a change in habit.
Look for what's Right and Not for What's Wrong
It is so easy to focus on the negative. What is important about rewards charts is that it forces us to look at the positive. Make sure to tell your children or even better catch your children doing the right thing. "You cleaned your room up without me having to ask you . Thank you, please give yourself a sticker." Be clear and specific about why you are rewarding the new habit and not just throw empty praise such as "good job", "you're awesome", etc. Read blog post on Praise and Encouragement.
Finally, if a reward system is really not the route you would like to take then a great alternative might be to just write up a directions or rule chart. Some children just forget or need a reminder of what you expect from them. A chart that simply states, "bedtime is at 8:00PM sharp." "Teeth need to be brushed both in the morning and in the evening." "We use words like 'I need help or I am angry' instead of having a tantrum." Stick to only three to five statements, keep them positive (refrain from words like "no" or 'don't"). Hang the chart in a place that children can look to for reference.
Everything takes time and just remember: Every stage good or bad, ends!
Good Luck!
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