A couple of years ago when New York magazine had a cover story entitled “How Not to Talk to Your Kids – The inverse power of praise”, I nearly blew a gasket in Barnes and Noble about how overwrought parents have become about the things they say to their children. The story was written by a parent who had a son in a Gifted and Talented school in Manhattan. The father felt that he had praised his son too much and that his child had become not only dependent upon praise but expected it. The son, being told over and over that he was "smart" began to slack off as a result. “Why do my work, if I have such natural smarts.” To him, the hard work part of success in school has become a stigma. Coincidentally, right after I read this article one of my son's instructors scolded me, in front him no less, after I said "good job" when he performed a gymnastics move that I thought was worthy of praise. She quickly apologized after I gave her a nasty look.
So what's the deal with all this praise being bad? Some studies suggest that if we always reward a child with praise after a task is completed, then the child comes to expect it. Some research has also shown "that children who are subjected to endless commentary, acknowledgment, and praise eventually learn to do things not for their own sake, but to please".
What I become more concerned with is, how genuine is your praise and are you expressing it in a way that children understand what is good about what they have done? A speaker that came to an event for parents at my son's school once described a group of Upper West Side parents telling their kids who were sledding, "that is the best sledding I have ever seen!" Case in point: the praise is silly since sledding down a hill on the Upper West Side requires no real skills. And the term "the best", or any other superlative, basically bestows a judgment or rank. When you give a child "rank" they often believe they are what you call them and in this case, "the best". This can create almost a dependency on the rank and when it is not heard children begin to doubt their success and may go out of their way to try to regain the acknowledgement. Other terms that seem to fall into this category of descriptors like smart or smartest: “pretty” or “handsome”, “fabulous” and “amazing” and one of my least favorite terms, “awesome”.
The idea is that your words should be genuine and should tell children what was specifically successful about their actions. So how do we tell our children that they are moving in the right direction? Encouragement, which is more descriptive and even sometimes more implied through actions seems to get away from the emptiness of praise and can set our children on a course for finding success without gaining dependence on approval from us. Below are some examples of how choosing different words can strike the difference between praise and encouragement.
Praise: "You’re the best student I ever had."
Encouragement: "You are a fine student. Any teacher will appreciate you."
Praise: "I'm so proud of your artwork."
Encouragement: "It seems you really enjoy art."
Some of the encouragement stuff may seem unnatural to say. I think what is most important is not get too caught up in whether we are calling it "praise" or "encouragement" but that we become conscious about how we notice and comment on our children's achievements. Hanging up a picture on the fridge that your child drew or a good grade on an exam, speaks for itself. Your actions show you value their achievement. Instead of using a quick word (yes, like “awesome!”) to describe your child's artwork or a positive behavior, it might be more effective to discuss what they did in the artwork ("Tell me about this drawing") or why they made a specific choice ("what made you give up your seat on the bus?") or simply restating their ideas. You can also show approval by continuing to give your children opportunities to participate in positive activities and support their interests without over discussing their achievements. In other words, if they happen to be a strong reader, take them to the library and give books as gifts for special occasions. In the end, should we make a conscious effort to stay away from the ranking statements; "you're the best", "you're so smart", etc.? Yes, absolutely. Suffice it to say, it won't damage your kids for life if, every once in a while, they hear you say "I'm proud of you, good job"!
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