How do you pick and choose your battles with your kids?
When I was a classroom teacher I felt my students in East Harlem needed firm rules and clear directions to keep them on task (I have been referred to as a reincarnated nun). I was tough and stayed on top of my class relentlessly which left me exhausted most of the time. I remember when I began my position as a sixth grade teacher I had 38 students, many of whom were extremely tough. One day my class was giving me a particularly hard time and my colleague, who was standing in the gym while I was getting my students in line, said "You may be losing the battle now but you are going to win the war".
Some days my three kids feel like 38 of them and leave me exhausted.
Children at different stages have different requirements, limits or directions that you expect them to adhere to. Some parents are extremely laid back when it comes to setting limits with children while others are way too strict but the ultimate goal most of us should strive for is somewhere in the middle. The idea is to decide what is most important in order to teach your child and shape them. In order for the "shaping" to take place you want to be consistent and follow through while making sure children understand that the requirements that you set for them is what you expect at all times, everyday.
There are days or even periods in your child's life that they are no longer adhering to your directions. It seems as if they have tuned you out or maybe even act like it is the first day they have ever heard your rules as if they were rude guests who entered your home from outer space. You know what I mean! What then? Do you just give up? Beat your head or better yet beat their head into the wall? (kidding) Yell? Punish? Needless to say you will not ruin your kid if they get away without brushing their teeth one night or not zippering their jacket. But when do you have to re-evaluate what you expect from your children? Or change the way you are handling a situation or just plain let it go?
If You're Not Committed, They Won't Be Either
We need to look first at what we are asking of our children. Why is it important that my child follow the directions that have been set up for them? Is it important for their well being? Is it teaching them an important value or lesson? Is it because "I said so!"? There is a place for each and every request and the key is to make sure we use each one for the right reason and with balance. If you don't have the patience to follow through with a request or make a half hearted attempt, your child will most likely respond the same way. If you don't really care or really don't have the strength to go the distance then don't ask in the first place. In many cases it only diminishes your authority.
Know Your Opponent
Second we need to look at if our request fits with the individual child. If you have more than one child you know that children even in the same house have a different response to directions and guidelines. One child has no problem with the the night time routine and the other you might have to work a bit harder to get them into bed. Sometimes you have to be creative and look for new strategies like changing your tone of voice, or rearranging a schedule to get children to do what they need to do. Consider posting rules or directions in your home, creating a reward system or trying to make the task more fun or play a more active role. For example, some children need you to help clean up as opposed to them doing it by themselves.
Are You, Your Worst Enemy?
Third, are you working yourself up over something that is not really important, adding fuel to the fire, picking at a behavior or even worse, trying to argue to win a battle not worth winning? Case in point: My son, who is going through a period of some fresh language and even some talking back was having a fit the other day. He was ranting that "we were mean parents" and that he "never wanted to see us again." Initially we responded with humor, even laughing but I quickly realized this was adding fuel to the fire and leading to a battle we would not win. We could have also gone the route, scolding him for speaking to us so rudely, giving him warnings and following up with a punishment. Instead, I whispered to my husband, "Let him vent and just say 'we are sorry you feel that way'". Within minutes our son calmed down and we moved on.
I truly believe had we kept pushing rules and even taken disciplinary action in this case it would have made matters worse. It just was not worth the battle. Some days kids are more emotional, are releasing pent up stress and frustration or are just tired or not feeling well. Staying rigid with rules and punishments and being inflexible will only lead to disaster.
Nix the Mutiny
Finally, you must have clear ideas about what is important to you and your partner and discuss a flexible plan on the days or periods when your child does not respond. If children know that their mixed messages sent or that parents are engaging in a power struggle it opens the door for divide and conquer on the part of the child and in many cases sends a stressful message. If you find you and your partner are unable to agree on the discipline of your child look at various strategies laid out on the internet or look for books. If you are still unable to agree on a discipline strategy seek professional help.
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