Happy New Year! The mantra for the year (no resolutions here) is the year to be the parent I want to be! Yes Siree! It's more like a life long mantra but one year seems to meld into the next. I do, however, have one New Year's request. If each of you could forward this blog to one friend, one online parenting group, I would really appreciate it.
On to the first question of the New Year: "Can you give some tips on how to help my children with their manners? I was a bit embarrassed at the holiday time. My children seemed particularly, rude to other adults."
Kids being rude seems to be a problem of modern times. The title of this post is taken straight from the "Bye, Bye Birdy" musical. Kids are kids, after all. It's many of the adults out there that I don't understand and have no excuse. While I think that it is unrealistic to make children "perform" their manners for other adults ( I even find it annoying when parents bark at their kids in public and overtly order them to act polite, in the end the kid is embarassed and the parent looks like a tyrant), I do feel it is essential for parents to demand that manners be practiced and discussed on a constant basis in your home. Before I would take my students on any trip outside the building I would discuss what I expected from them. I do the same with my children. I have learned how to anticipate my children's reactions from certain environments and from certain people. Before we leave the house for a big occasion a discussion is held such as "Remember you will see many cousins today that you do not know so well, be sure to say "hello" or shake hands when you meet them and make sure you look at them in the eye" You need not nag but make a concerted effort to prepare your child for how to use their best behavior and manners to handle situations.
While preparing for big events is great, manners have to be practiced and made part of your family's lifestyle. Below are some ideas on how to make manners a central part of you and your child's life.
1. Be polite yourself. Children learn behavior from watching adults. Parents should not only make a concerted effort to be polite to their children and their significant other (use "please", "thank you", "excuse me") but to the world at large. Children watch how you treat the store salesperson or cashier, the doorman or the bank teller particularly when you are frustrated by them.
2. Make sure you discuss with your children how you treat others. " Do you see how I went up to the manager and thanked her personally, after she solved my problem" When there is a situation that you handle badly be sure to discuss your mistakes with your child and ask your children maybe how you should have handled it or what choices you could have made instead. It's not just the words but being able to be in a situation and understanding what needs to be said and done. Being polite is an exercise in critical thinking.
3. Phone manners count. Children do listen when you are on the phone, and yes, even when the television is blaring and you think they are not listening. Using appropriate phone manners, getting names of individuals who are helping you and thanking them before you get off the phone are important skills for your children to understand and learn.
4. Always use real terms with your kids "make nice", "be good" or "share" are vague. Terms like " I appreciate", " I will try harder", "lets take turns", "I don't have the time at this moment", "I don't feel like talking, right now" or making a statement like "when you (hit your brother, leave your dishes, etc.), I feel _____" , are terms that have meaning and help our children to communicate effectively. Strong communication leads to good manners.
5. Thank you notes with limits. While it is nice to have your child write individual thank you notes (it can be a daunting tasks even for adults) you do not want it to turn into a fight or such a horrible task they refuse to do it . Set a time when your child can draw a picture with a general thank you message that can be copied , or take a photo with each gift and have your children write a simple "thank you so much, I love it". on the back.
A word about making your kid apologize. There is some real debate on this topic. I think there are good arguments on both sides and I really think it depends on the situation. You can read more about apologies and kids here.
Looking forward to receiving your questions, continuing to share great information and celebrating the educator in all of us!
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