Play-Dates: A Love Story

My oldest son and daughter attended a full day, pre school before they were a year old. The day would end at close to 5:30PM and they were tired when I would pick them up. We would pretty much head straight home. For my stay-at-home parent friends, play-groups and play-dates were coveted events and in many cases it was more for them then it was for the child. Since I did not come upon the play date scene until my oldest son was about 4 (considered pretty late here, in NYC), I am pretty terrible at keeping up with them. And while I feel we are all too tired to hang out after school, I sometimes feel like my kids and I miss out on the important opportunities that come with participating in the social phenomenon. So, I will be putting into practice the very advice I am writing in this post in this New Year. I am going to try to be better about scheduling more play-dates for my kids.

The question this week: Are play-dates really necessary?

From an educators point of view there is great value in hosting and allowing your child to have a healthy and ongoing dose of play-dates. Play-dates can facilitate strong relationships that carry over into school, foster important communication skills and can boost self confidence. However, I don't think it has to be referred to in a formalized way and carry the, "let's do lunch", air that it seems to have taken on. The fact is, positive social experiences are important for our children and for adults and it should not be treated as a status symbol or a requirement for an early childhood successful experience. When we invite others into our home we can take an opportunity to model positive behaviors for our children. We can show how to open our space to others, share our food, toys and even reveal facts and interests that our guests might not ever have known had they not come to your home. When our child goes to someone else's home they learn how to behave away from their own parents and school environment. Social-emotional play experiences don't have to be restricted to one-on-one traditional play-dates. Other experiences such as spending time with neighborhood friends, group meetings at the playground or even a day with cousins, help to foster language skills, social skills, problem solving skills, imagination, bonding and even open doors to understanding culture.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when your child has a play-date:

Social Butterfly or Not?

For some children socializing comes easier than others. Some children love having many social experiences weekly, while others would rather have them much less often. Accept who your child is and what they can handle but don't be afraid to gently encourage/discourage if you feel your child could use some social adjustments. If your child has some genuine anxieties, be careful about which children you invite over. Seek out kids who seem to make your child feel good. Another alternative is to invite a few families over for a coffee and cake or for drinks, so children play in a group and have parents nearby.

Watch Your Time:

Be honest about how long a play date should be. Age and temperament of each child should be considered. Some of my kids' friends could stay all day and others need to go after two hours. When my children go to someone else's home for a drop-off play-date I always tell the parent that I will call to check in about an hour and a half into the play date. This will help to gauge pick up time.

Save the Micromanaging:

If you do not let your child watch television or play video games during the week and their friend does, don't attempt to instruct another parent to uphold your rules. Aside from restricting foods for allergy purposes and setting limits around excessive sweets or violent programming, let your child experience another child's environment. This is important for your child to learn that different families have different rules and standards and it does not mean that you have to change yours once they come home. If you are are firmly against something that another parent allows in their home then skip the play-date altogether.

Mind Your Manners :

Remind your children to greet their friends, offer them something to drink and eat, walk them out and thank guests for coming and/or thank the host for having them over. While it is important for your child to learn to be a good host don't overlook the opportunity to teach the guest as well. I have witnessed many parents allowing a guest to treat the host child like a welcome mat in their own home, simply because "they are the guest". A play-date should be enjoyable for both parties and it is essential that children negotiate and get to each choose an activity and share the responsibility for cleaning up. A note about very young children: Children don't actually have the capability of understanding the concept of "sharing" until about age 5. While you can foster the idea of taking turns, telling a toddler to "share his toys", is really asking a lot. For older children, after your child's guest has left, talk about how it went and share what you noticed. If your child had some real problems create some goals for how to handle the next play date.

Summertime and the Living is Easy...

When the weather gets nice, encourage play in the playgrounds and make an effort to go on the weekends. I love when a parent has the courage to send out an email to an entire class stating they will be in the playground at a certain time and "come join us!" Since my oldest child tends to be a bit quieter, we made a plan that when we go to the park we bring an activity or item that can be played with by a group or engage a group. Items have included chalk, a bubble machine, a remote control car, water balloons (make sure they clean up the pieces, they are a choking hazard) a bug catching kit (this really worked!) and walkie talkies.

Finally, keep it simple. Children playing together comes with ups an downs. Gauge when you should intervene and how much. Discuss appropriate social strategies with your children if they are struggling and allow friendships that are not working to dissolve (even if you want to stay friends with the parents) and encourage friendships that are working to flourish.

I'll let you know how I am doing! Please let me know how you are doing too!