I know that I am not alone here in my complaint about stress. This is crazy time and everyone is talking about it. The rush of it all and the financial pressures, the onset of the cold (switching all our jackets to deal with the weather changes has added a different level of anxiety to the morning routine) and just the plain idea that yet another year is behind us. And guess what? If you're stressed guess who else is? Yup. I have seen more kids crying on the way to school, having blown out tantrums in the playground and the nastiest language coming out of my own little cuties. In fact, three different parents have come up to me in the last week to discuss how they see changes in their children and are just shaking their heads in disbelief.
So our question this week, "Why are our kids so stressed and what can we do about it?"
The Holiday Season:
As I stated earlier, I'm stressed. It's work, it's getting ready for the holiday season, it's going to extra family parties and functions (even during the week), it's all the gratuities I have to give , it's getting presents wrapped and making sure I get the holiday cards out and the fact that I'm sleep deprived because of all these extra tasks, you bet I'm a pleasure to be around. And these are just my issues. My son has a holiday concert that he keeps talking about how "nervous" he is. My daughter is wiped out from all the extra events and is having a very bad time adjusting to the idea that she has to wear glasses and my toddler has eczema all over his face from the cold. Pressure is all around and it does not discriminate by age.
How to Deal: Behaviors, including how to deal with stress are often learned from parents. While I try to talk about staying calm and taking deep breaths in front of my children. All parents can crack in front of their children, this morning I think I earned an Oscar! And when we do fall apart and lose it, the best we can do is apologize when we have cooled down and reassure our children that things will be okay. Explaining to children that even adults can have trouble expressing anger appropriately can bring your relationship to a new level and even open the gateways to help your children to open up to you.
Presents!, Presents!, Presents!
Whether your kids are waiting for Santa, or Channukah Harry or mom and dad to hand over the goods, the bottom line, this is the season of "this is what I want and what will I get?" If you don't celebrate or don't practice gift giving, don't dismiss the fact that your kid can pick up on all the frenzy. Yes, there are a few children that might have regulated themselves and understand that they don't need much or anything and it is the spirit of the holiday that is important. For most kids, it is in their nature to want and to have and the other spiritual lessons have yet to be learned. Children are children and they don't stay that way forever. A parent, I know constantly worries about her kids being spoiled. It takes a lot more than just the holidays to spoil a child. Spoiled children are made that way through years with little or no limits and parents who are afraid to parent.
How to deal: If you feel you the endless presents and the "what else did I get?" syndrome, is something you want to address have a discussion with your child about not being able to have everything. Parents can pick an appropriate number of gifts a child can have and children can make a list to pick and choose what items are most important to them. Beginning a ritual through volunteering, purchasing a new toy for a child though a program like toys for tots or even sending a card to a soldier.
Life is Hum Drum
My son was complaining about his homework incessantly around November. He had never been so difficult when it came to doing his homework and I was pretty concerned. I formed a theory around his behavior and a friend of mine kind of wrapped the theory up into a simple statement, "the honeymoon period is over!" School is in full swing! The new school backpacks are dirty, the pencils are down to the nub and children are expected to know what to do and be accountable. Educators often call this processing time. Children are putting into practice everything they have learned thus far in the new school year and absorbing the information can be overwhelming. In some cases, children can feel overloaded and to be honest, so are the teachers. It would be nice if our children could just talk about the stress they are feeling with us but kids often show us their fears and sadness in other less desireable ways.
How to deal: The best we can do is try to be understanding and continue to leave room for discussion and problem solving.
They Don't Tell You Everything:
Ask any teacher around this time of the year and they will tell you "the kids are crazy!" Think of the anxiety your child might be displaying in your home and then imagine a classroom full of children with the same type of behavior. They might not display their distress in the classroom but dollars to doughnuts the kids are letting it out on each other during recess. I can easily spot a new nasty comment that probably was said to my children at school by another child. It usually is quickly used on one of the siblings in my home soon after.
How to deal: Kids take little emotional pelts from other individuals when they are away from us. It hurts them and us, if we find out about it but we must teach our kids to cope. Helping your child with appropriate comebacks and letting them know that they don't have to listen or be around others who put them down.
There will always be stress and there will always be holidays. And many times they come as a pair. Be honest about it, talk about and try to model the best ways you can handle stress, together.
Chinese Proverb: "Give a child fish, they eat for the day, teach the child to learn to fish, they eat for life."
May you recieve the gift of coping strategies this holiday season!
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I really appreciate your tips on gift-giving and dealing with "spoiling" around this time of year. As the only grandchild on one side of our family, we worry that our daughter will be spoiled by too many presents at Christmas and are trying to figure out ways to address the over-giving before she gets older.
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting me know that my kids aren't the "only ones" these days!! I hope your wishes for us will come true, less stress during the holidays!
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