Doing the Best We Can

Sorry I missed last week. Have a wonderful holiday!

"We are among the first generation of self-conscious parents. Before us, people had kids. We parent."

The above quote was taken from a new book written about a father's journey through his son's drug addiction. When I read the quote it made me think of how there are services for every reason a parent could imagine. Even the reason I have this blog is because in this period of parenting there are enough interested parties to read about solutions to parenting from an educator. While the quote might be seen as inflammatory to my parents and parents of other generations, the job of parenting has evolved into a huge industry. I remember my mother-in-law once said walking into "Buy Buy Baby", I remember when I had a choice between two strollers, red or blue."

It seems now in addition to all the stuff we can buy, a barometer produced by individuals and media of all sorts, measures how we are doing and can leave many of us feeling guilty. We are more thoughtful about what we do and say with our children and it seems every few months there is a new group, product or expert to tell us how to do it better. So do we worry too much? I thinks so. This does not mean that I don't think parents should use opportunities to grow and try to learn about the many quality options there are out there but keeping it all in perspective is important. The fact is kids are going to go through the stages they need to go through. While we have gotten better at understanding these stages, have gotten better at solutions to deal with problems and pressures, we still have a certain matter of waiting on the sidelines while we watch our kids figure it out.

Here is a Top Ten list of concerns that I hear from parents and they will probably happen in your home too, no matter what you do (and some helpful advice for when you get there!):

1. Your child will be potty trained. The pacifier will have to go. Any other milestone will be reached at some point. Whomever (you or your child), insists longer and more creatively on a certain issue, will win.

2. Someone has to be the youngest. Having a child with a late birthday does not mean your child will be a late bloomer. A child's developmental faculties do not develop all at the same time. Watch your child's maturity and don't make "being young" an excuse. Check out this NY Times, article Here

3. No one has a crystal ball when it comes to finding programs for your children. Research your day cares, your schools, your camps. There is no guarantee that it will work out. People who run schools can leave and there can always be a teacher that your kid does not jive with. No place is perfect and your child's needs can and will change. when it does not work out this is a great opportunity to teach coping skills!

4. Your children will get hurt by other children, by teachers and even by you. Teach your children various approaches to deal with when someone hurts them. Teach children to expect apologies, to walk away from toxic relationships and to say "you hurt me" or " you need to leave me alone." On the converse don't think for a second your little angel is always, well, an angel. Any child has the capacity to be mean.

5. "It's always something". There is always an unforseen situation that was not planned for, an important choice that was not expected or a tough obstacle. Be thoughtful, creative and do the best you can. Be honest with your children when you are not sure what to do but assure they are loved and will be safe think aloud about how figuring out solutions.

6. Self esteem will waiver. You can tell your child they are "beautiful", "smart", say: " good job" or use the more pc ways to encourage rather than praise your child. There will always come a point when what you think or say will not be enough. Children will increasingly look for acceptance from their peers and it will outweigh your opinion. Give your kids opportunities to work with quality mentors and get involved with a variety of friends that uplift.

7. They will really dislike you at some point. When I was a sixth grade teacher, I would check my students journal entries. I was in shock at how many of my students were angry with their parents and felt that they "did not understand". Open School night became much more like therapy sessions for the parents. Try to be understanding, pick and choose your battles, stay firm on values, keep discussions going and seek help from school counselors or a family therapist if you feel things are getting too big to handle alone.

8. What you want for your child will differ then what they want for themselves. We all have a dream or an interest we want our children to explore. Sometimes children take the bait and other times they show no interest. Children become more adamant about doing it their own way (The terrible two's and three's revisited and when their older they have a vocab to back them up!) Kids sometimes need to choose their path even if we know that the end result might be painful. Discuss the importance of a learning experience and that we must keep trying even when things don't work out the way we planned.

9. Your children will sound like you particularly when showing their anger. It will be the same statement, same pitch and with the same intensity. And you'll think " oh, my gosh, that's how I sound?"

10. They will need you more then they will say. Be there for them even when they push you away. Remind them that you are around to listen. Give them options to talk, write you letters, draw pictures or send you emails.

And remember....All stages, good or bad, end!