Can we talk, too?

I had some interesting responses from readers on my last post, "Can We Talk" so I decided to do a follow up this week. Please, I love your emails but don't be afraid to respond on the blog directly.

First, please make a special point to join me at apple seeds this Saturday, December 5th from 10:00AM-12:30PM. I will be answering questions on any topic regarding development or education. As well, it is a great place to get to know. Apple seeds not only has an award winning play space and classes but even if you do not live close by, they do a super job on birthday parties, haircuts and more! So please come, ask away and pass along to friends!

So my last post "Can We Talk?" discussed the importance of talking with your child no matter how young they might be. One of our readers posted a response, which stated that it is important not to expect an "okay" or even a response from children after a conversation. That we have to go on "faith" that they get what we are talking about. This was a very insightful comment and there is a logical reason why many times there is no response. Children (and many adults I know) need time to process new information. When we bring up something that children may not be able to wrap their head around or something they are not ready to hear they often say at the end or before we finish, "okay, can I go play with my toys now?", as one of my readers wrote me. While it may seem like your child might be brushing you off they might actually be saying "okay, I hear you but I can't handle all of this right now, let me play on it!"

How many times have you had the experience when something that may have seemed insignificant to you is suddenly brought up by your child months later? Just because you have experienced, processed and "filed" the memory, your child may be still discovering what the experience meant and how they were connected to it. Many educational programs (called spiral curriculum) are developed based on this premise whereby information is revisited over time in bits and pieces because of the "processing" that needs to take place in order for children to be ready to understand the information. Taking into account a child's age and maturity level some conversations need not be longer than 1 minute and only need to happen once, whereas some conversations need to or can go deeper, may need different approaches and need to be had many times over a period of time.

I have to say as both an educator and as a parent I see the value in conversing and connecting regularly with your kids. It takes practice and time and it is important to understand your child's cues when they have had enough. Conversations can backfire if you go on too long, push for a "fake" response (like an "okay") or over talk your point. If you miss your cue children will either tell you they have had enough i.e "can I go play with my toys now" or mentally shut down and begin to glaze over (fellow teachers you know that look!).

Here is a great example of a time when I trusted myself to have a tough conversation with my son and how my 7 year old let me know it was time to end it. It's a bit deep but drives the point home.

Recently, we lost a dear family friend to a tragic death. My husband and I were going to the funeral. The untimeliness of the death along with the quick funeral arrangements left little time for me to process as to whether or not I was going to tell my children. The morning of the funeral my son quickly sensed something was wrong with me and my husband. We were very tense and probably doing a poor job at hiding it. "Daddy is not going to work? Where are you and Daddy going" My seven year old asked. I was not prepared to go into it. I was still trying to understand what went on myself. I kept thinking to myself " Do I tell him now?" " Will he begin to ask if me and my husband are going to die soon, since our friend had a son close to his age?" "Will he begin to cry so hard that he won't handle school for the day and I will have to miss the funeral?" "If I send him to school with all this suspicion will I freak him out?" In the end, I told him what he needed to know. Our friend died and I went into very simple detail, enough to satisfy him. " What happens at a funeral?" he asked. I explained. "So he will be in the ground?", he asked. "Yes", I said. Along with a short talk about our religious beliefs (he goes to a weekly religious school class) I said finally, "What will you remember about him ?" My son came out with some super memories. Just as I was finishing my statements about how important those memories were, he quickly said in a very matter of fact but cheerful voice, "okay, mom, I am sad enough we don't need to talk about it anymore."

Children have a great capacity for understanding and building knowledge around new information if told in simple, honest language and for some with just a bit of time to process and to revisit.

So, keep talking!