Cookout Conversation - Preparing to Go Back to the Grind

Hope everyone has enjoyed the mild temps this past week!  This week's question comes from various conversations that have been held in various kitchens, backyard swing sets or back decks.  As we enjoy the longer days of summer, stay up later and drink that extra glass of wine, there seems to be the same universally unsettling feeling for parents looking toward the fall.  Many parents of school aged children seemed to be headed back to work, are adding on extra hours or even getting a second job.  Children's schedules also seem to become more complex with children headed further away from their neighborhood schools, taking long bus rides and joining after school programs.  In my case I have two children going to a school in the opposite direction, must arrive at the same time in the AM and get picked up in the PM at the same time.  The question:  "How do we begin to both prepare our children and ourselves for work related changes in the fall and how early do we start?"   This seems to be a daunting one but by starting now you don't have to dread your Labor Day Weekend.

While I have often described my own childcare situation as created from "spit and chicken wire", I seem to find my way.  The first concern always seems to be "How is my kid going to handle me going back to work?" "Or seeing me less?"  The short answer is your children will adjust, however don't think for a moment that your kids won't act out or even make you feel guilty for making the change.  Children are great at making parents feel guilty.  One little girl in my daughter's nursery class used to cry the same chorus every morning - "don't leave me mommy!".  The mom was so broken up about it that she would call the school in tears herself 15 minutes later.  Her daughter was fine and you know she never wanted to leave at the end of the day.  The important thing to remember here is that your attitude, what you say and do will truly set the tone.

Be Okay With Yourself

For whatever reason you may be returning to work or making a changes in your schedule, you should be okay with your choices and present that feeling to your children.  Jamie Lee Curtis has been quoted as saying to her kids, "mommy likes going to work".  I have begun using that phrase with my kids for many occasions.  "Mommy likes working", "Mommy  likes being with her friends" and "Mommy likes going out to dinner with Daddy, alone." Daddy's  are also encouraged to use these phrases!  Teaching children that you need some time for you is not a crime or neglect or makes you a bad parent; it is creating a healthy balance between all the things you love.  Parents who achieve a relative degree of balance in their whole lives tend to be happier with their lives as parents.  As well, children need to learn from others and navigate their own relationships.

Bring it up Now...

If you are returning to work or adding more hours, begin letting your child know that when school starts, you are going (back) to work or will work more.  Talk about what your schedule will be like and what you will be around to do.  "I will drop you off at school but the babysitter will pick you up."  Keep this discussion casual.  There is no need for any sit down talks.  Speak of your plans freely and keep them upbeat.  If you sound like you dread what you are going back to, children may pick up the same attitude towards school and other important events you wish they would be a part of.    Understanding how time works can be tough for young children so don't get alarmed if they think your new schedule starts tomorrow.  Show or a calendar so children can get a better idea of how far away September is.

What do you do?

Tell them what you do.  So many children hear "I have to get to work" from their parents and don't know what that means.  If your work is complicated make it as understandable as you can "I help people find homes", "I help people with their money so they save up for things when they get older", "I teach adults", etc.  Children really do want to know what you do.  

Make a Plan

Start talking and negotiating with your employer about what is possible.  Can you get in late and stay late?  Can you compress your work week so you can pick up your child 2 days a week?   In the case of my many friends who are teachers you already know your hours are set and have absolutely no flexibility.  If your situation is like this you need to make a  solid plan and quick.  Start interviewing sitters, look at after school programs, talk to friends who might be able to help you out once a week or so.  Make sure you discuss with your kids whom will be taking care of them  and have your kids meet this individual.   Think about how, when and with whom school work will be done.   Think about a practical routine for you to stay on top of your child's education.  

Practice Run

Even before the school year begins have your child experience you not picking them up from camp or a play date.  Ask the new babysitter to spend some time with your children or just set up some a way time with a friend that will be helping you out.  

In the end things happen, plans change, things go wrong, children mature and they can regress. Transitions are a part of life and sometimes they just don't go smoothly.  Do your best to be resourceful, organized and make a point to stay positive about changes in front of your children.  Your little cuties pick up on a lot.  You can teach your children one of greatest lessons by showing them that no matter what happens you can deal with transitions with grace!