It's Friendship, Friendship, just the Perfect Blendship

It has been a crazy week. I have been out every night this week including a Mom's Night Out. It was fun and as one mom exclaimed while I danced with great zest, "you can tell you really needed a night out!" No arguments here.

Question of the week, "What do you do when you don't like one of your children's friends?"

I think this is one issue that all parents have to deal with many times over and it usually is a slippery slope. I am answering this only in terms of the pre- school/ elementary school years since middle school and high school friendships have a host of other complicated factors.

Children are drawn to each other for many different reasons. Sometimes children become friends because their parents are friends or because they have certain likes or hobbies. Sometimes children become friends because they are opposites, one might be outgoing and the other a bit quiet, but it works. Friendships in young children tend to have their ups and downs and change as children mature. Parents tend to be very involved in the early years with whom their child plays and how often they see each other outside of school. It is hard to not want to micro-manage your child's rolodex of friends or to speak for your child when you feel that they are treated unjustly by a friend. As well, telling your child that you don't like their friend and don't want them to be around them will do little to give your child the tools to handle relationships for the future. Talking and modeling with your child about communicating and coming up with a plan for certain social situations are important strategies for your child to develop. The hope is that they will eventually be able to decide for themselves when a friend is no longer meeting their needs.

I have one basic rule with regard to keeping my nose out of my child's friendships. When something happens between my child and their friend on the school yard or on the playground out of ear shot of an adult, I encourage them to work it out on their own or help develop a plan for a future incident. If an incident occurs right under my nose and it is getting out of hand, I try to use the situation as a learning opportunity and try to give suggestions or model appropriate ways for my child ( and sometimes their friend) to better communicate their needs and behave.

Dealing with the parent of the child in question is also a really slippery slope. I lost a potential close friend that I thought would handle her son's questionable behavior in much the same way I would. I saw a consistent pattern of aggressive behavior towards my child and finally I set up, what I thought would be a teachable moment for both boys. What I did was offend her, so much so she never wanted to talk again. While I am not completely sad that our boys don't play anymore and I don't miss having her as a friend, it could have been much harder for me if I had offended someone who I might have cared deeply about. I have also heard about countless parents who call and tell other parents about what their child had supposedly done based on their child's account. The only time I would do this is if my child came home from a drop off play date and my child claimed they were hurt or very unhappy. I would call to find out if the parent or nanny knew anything about it and address it from there. Know that even your sweet angel, can misinterpret and get the facts wrong. If you are not present and did not see first hand what happened, don't be too quick to accuse another child of wrong doing. It's a surefire way to become enemies with the parent.

There are are a variety of different approaches you can take to deal with your child's friendship that you may not happy with, here are some ideas:

The Uneven Power Struggle:

In some friendships there seems to be one child that has a stronger will and often directs what will happen every time the children play together. While the more submissive child may agree to this at first over time, they tend to feel "ignored" and may even begin to get angry. Practice and role play with your child appropriate language like "I feel like you are not listening to me and it makes me upset." Or, "I'd like you to play one of the games I suggest this time". Children become worried that if they speak up their "friends" won't play with them. Our goal is to get our children to understand that if they are consistently ignored by their "friends" then maybe they are not "friends".

The Fresh Mouth Friend:

Everyone had one friend that taught them all the "bad" words. My parents still blame her for my filthy mouth! Kids usually learn the major curses by the end of kindergarten and can even begin to use them on each other. I remember when my son came home from pre-school and told me that a young girl (whose mother is still a friend of mine) told him "sh*t was a bad word." Instead of being outraged I said "Yes it is. Make sure you do not use the word at home and do not use it on other people." It was the best I could come up with. The fact is that kids will experiment with these words and we can just set firm parameters around when and how they use them. If you feel your child's friend is way too inappropriate be firm in telling your child that play-dates and other events will be limited if they cannot control themselves around their friend.

The Wild Child:

He taunts other kids, she is a "mean girl" and when your child hangs out with them they are virtually unrecognizable. This is one situation where parents have to make it clear for their child that they will not tolerate the behavior and have a firm talk about being "influenced" by another. I try to be pretty honest with my kids and pointing out that they are allowing someone to turn them into an unlikable person sometimes. Words and terms like "follower" and "making the decisions they know are right" , "leader" and even what's called an "I" message: "When I see you behave this way with your friend it makes me feel disappointed", can send a strong message that this relationship is bad news. Talk about options and what you child can do to monitor his own behavior and how she might remove herself from the child.

The Frenemy:

Many of us have been in toxic relationships. We want to be liked and accepted by those we deem to be "cool"or "popular". We hope to feed off their mojo and feel "cool" or "popular" too the more we hang out with them. This is the friendship that looks like it's tight but there is a lot of jealousy, competition and back stabbing going on here. Your child may come home angry, aggressive, moody or sad after a play-date. Your child will a feel a great deal of confusion around this relationship and getting out of it may cost a lot more then just this friend but a whole group. This is a tricky situation and the best we can do is talk about what is really going on and help our child to cope setting friendly limits. Learning the hard lesson of what friends they can really trust and who might be just an acquaintance will take time, practice and a bit of heartbreak but it is an important lesson to learn.

Finally, encourage your child to be friends with children from different groups and to not only count on just one other child but a few children. Continue to encourage and make it possible for children to have a play-dates and attend events with children that are positive. Continue to remind your child that friends should make you feel good. There will always be one in the crowd that you don't love. If your child continually falls into the wrong crowd or you think they are missing blatant social cues and your conversations are not helping, consider professional help such as an occupational therapist, child psychologist or developmental pediatrician.

Perhaps another post will address the friendship problem of "Nice Parent, Nasty Child" but for now I hope this post lends enough friendly advice!