Burning out on After School Programs

When I was a child I was, well, not the best student. I excelled in two areas, socializing and the performing arts. I was signed up for music, dance and drama classes at least 3-4 days a week. My folks had seen the original movie "Fame" and even after Coco was lured into a pornographer's den, Leroy impregnated his fellow dance classmate and Doris Fensucker got high at the Rocky Horror Picture Show, somehow this did not dissuade my parents from preparing me to go to the "Fame" school. In fact, it encouraged them and it was their priority to prepare me from the time I was eight, to attend Music and Art High School, the school that the movie was based on.

While after school programs provided me with much needed self esteem and gave me great pleasure they also probably contributed to the fact that I almost never completed my homework and that I was always disorganized when it came to school. My parents knew that academics eluded me and they just encouraged what I was good at. Nowadays the world of education has changed. School is more academic then ever, tests mean much more than they should and the competition to get into specialized schools and programs is fierce.

The question of the week comes from Marilyn, "How do I enrich my child's education without overdoing it?"

While we would all love our children to participate in something we, ourselves care about or never had the opportunity to engage in as a child, there is a fine line between pushing and gently exposing. Some children seem naturally connected to one activity while others just don't know what they like. Create opportunities for your child to be involved and exposed to an array of activities. Taking your kids to sporting events, shows, museums, etc. can open up interests and even if they do not wish to pursue these activities in an after school class they can develop an appreciation for them.

Choosing activities can come from your child or from you. It should be a discussion and children's maturity, temperament and the type of facility and instructor (if known) should be considered. Some children can handle more than one activity a week and others can just handle one. Some children might be more suited to no programs after school but would prefer to take a class on a weekend. Be honest with who your child is right now and find activities and class time that will create the most optimal success for your child.

Can they Handle It?

I was recently quoted in an online article in which I answered a similar question. Read my answer below:

Educational consultant and former teacher Sara Lise Raff, a mom of three, says that the demands of school and how the activity is impacting the child's life should be factors in choosing activities. "Children may feel tired but should not be exhausted after participating in an activity. A child is doing too much if they are unable to eat dinner, finish their homework or required studies on a regular basis, or if they are extraordinarily angry or have tantrums or just want to go to sleep after they come home from doing an after school activity," says Sara.

When it is not working out

After school activities can teach many valuable lessons. Not only do children come out with new skills that stimulate learning and thinking but they engage in a commitment that is of their own choice and requires them to stay focused after school hours. When choosing a new activity for your child to participate in, a discussion should be had about how long the class will be (use a clock), how many weeks it will run (use a calendar) and the importance of fulfilling the obligation.

There is a difference between a class that does not work for your child and your child just being plain fickle. When your child wants to "hang out" on a beautiful day instead of going to class, remind them that they wanted this and they need to follow through. Also watch and see if your child seems to complain going into class and walks out happy. I used to know this feeling when I actually had a gym membership. In the case that your child is truly unhappy make sure you talk with the instructor and share your child's feelings with them. Parents must evaluate the importance of allowing their child to feel and cope with a reasonable amount of discomfort and really having their child be taken out of a program that their child just can't handle. In other words, help your child find coping skills before being rash and letting them just quit.

I also feel that after school programs should be discussed and continually evaluated for effectiveness by you and your child. Particularly if you sign up for a next semester you should ask questions like :

-Are you still enjoying yourself?

-Are you learning new techniques?

-Do you get directions from the instructor?

All after school instructors should let you know their contact information so you can stay in touch and answer questions about your child's progress.

As for the over-scheduling discussion. Use common sense. Read your child's behavior and make sure it is about them and not yourself.

A Sticker Earned, is a Parent Saved

Today we celebrated my daughter's 4th birthday. I have always said "the days are long but the years fly." Each day I get a better understanding into what other parents of older children have told me: "It does not get easier, it gets different." Oy!

I have received a great deal of verbal praise and email feedback from many of you. While I really appreciate and look forward to your comments please try to share your thoughts directly from your feed to the blog or via facebook or twitter. It will help generate more buzz on the blog and make me feel good! Which leads me to,

The question of the week!

Tara would like to know, "How do I use a reward system to get my girls from engaging in tantrums and other less desirable behaviors?"

What is a reward system?

Reward systems or incentive charts are extrinsic motivational tools that help children to tangibly recognize and monitor their progress when refining a new skill or habit. Probably your earliest experience with a rewards system began in your elementary school classroom. Your teacher might have given stars, stickers or filled a jar with marbles everytime the class behaved. Once the jar was filled or a desired amount of stars was reached, the entire class got a pizza party or some other reward. In some cases, children with severe behavior problems or if you were like me, had trouble getting their homework done, they also might have had their own personal rewards system set up. Many parents use an incentive chart when potty training. If the tool is used correctly, charts can be created to help children to practice and master various behaviors.

Isn't that like Bribing?

Yes and no. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we were intrinsically motivated. Where we followed all the rules simply because it was right and we engaged in tough yet courageous tasks just because the joy of doing right was enough of a reward. If you think you can convince your two year, three or four year old and in many cases even older children, that cleaning their room, wearing a winter jacket when it is 40 degrees F, brushing their teeth, doing their homework or any other "not fair" task you assign your child can get it done through intrinsic motivation, I say "go for it". For the rest of us, we may need some help and that is where a reward system comes into play. Think about it, would you do your job as well as you do without a paycheck? Do you look forward to a bonus or a raise when your work is exemplary? You are not aiming to bribe your children but setting up a system of rewarding children for changing or developing good habits. If you look at my post about Praise and Encouragement it will shed some light on how to not over do it. The hope is to encourage your children to handle themselves differently, not to use the chart as a bribe. For Ex, "If you don't clean your room, you won't get a a sticker."

How is it done?

First focus one one or two habits that you want to work on with your child. Cleaning up their room, being a a good host or hostess, reading or doing homework proficiently, etc. What ever it is, you must make it clear to your children that your are developing a chart that will help you both to keep track of important behaviors. Create the chart in front of your child and if they are old enough they can help too. The chart can read: Each time ______ cleans up her room without a tantrum she will receive one sticker. Once ______receives 5 stickers she will be able to: ____________________. Reward choices should be agreed upon before the chart is completed. The chart should be hung up in a visible space so children can view their progress. Stickers should be kept in a specific place and be given to the child to stick on only when a desired behavior is performed and approved by a parent. Start by making it not too difficult to achieve the desired behavior make it possible for young children to complete the chart by 2 or 3 days. Older children may be spread out over a week . It takes about 21 days for a behavior to become habit for adults. Give at least 10 to 21 more days for children to create a new habit. Important rule: Children may not ask for stickers. Parents must decide when a sticker is rewarded. Do not take stickers away. Once a sticker is earned it stays.

What types of rewards?

For young children, rewards must be tangible, meaningful and immediate. Keep rewards small and simple. A small train, a tiny figurine, a book, playing or earning time to play a specific game or watching a video will be enough. Pre buy all rewards and keep them in your home away from childrens' view. When children reach their goal you can present them immediately with the prize. Stay away from big tagged items, unrealistic trips or food. While children view the prize as the means to an end at first, your goal is simply to recognize a change in habit.

Look for what's Right and Not for What's Wrong

It is so easy to focus on the negative. What is important about rewards charts is that it forces us to look at the positive. Make sure to tell your children or even better catch your children doing the right thing. "You cleaned your room up without me having to ask you . Thank you, please give yourself a sticker." Be clear and specific about why you are rewarding the new habit and not just throw empty praise such as "good job", "you're awesome", etc. Read blog post on Praise and Encouragement.

Finally, if a reward system is really not the route you would like to take then a great alternative might be to just write up a directions or rule chart. Some children just forget or need a reminder of what you expect from them. A chart that simply states, "bedtime is at 8:00PM sharp." "Teeth need to be brushed both in the morning and in the evening." "We use words like 'I need help or I am angry' instead of having a tantrum." Stick to only three to five statements, keep them positive (refrain from words like "no" or 'don't"). Hang the chart in a place that children can look to for reference.

Everything takes time and just remember: Every stage good or bad, ends!

Good Luck!