Ask the Educator

Is there a " Tiger Mother" in you?

2011-02-19T08:08:00.008-05:00

Hello there! It's been a long time... while my blogging has decreased my work has increased, which I am happy about but miss my weekly write ups. I am exploring ways that I can easily keep my connection with my readers like vlogging (video blogging) and continue to send you great stories while keeping up with a busy work schedule. I also want to remind you that I am available to speak at PTA meetings, do a "mom salon" in which you get a group of parent friends together and I come to a host home and answer any parenting questions you and your friends may have or talk about a specific topic of your choice! You can always contact me at artsedconsultant@yahoo.com and check out my website at http://artsedconsultant.com.

This next post is about being asked by ebru news to respond to the new, hot book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua. You can see the interview here. Some of my points were edited out of the piece but wanted to share them with you. If you are not familiar with it, Chua's book has created a big stir by detailing her very strict interpretation of Chinese parenting and the way she asserts throughout that it may be a better way to get results in raising your children. The way Amy Chua spoke to her children may be very controversial and the social restrictions she put on her daughters were heavy handed (no play dates, no computer, etc) she makes some valid points that parents might want to learn from even though this is a memoir and not a "how-to" book. Even Ms. Chua has stated if she were to do it all again she would make some changes but she would stand by her core values.

- High expectations and not settling on excuses for poor performance - Demanding that children stick with certain activities to become great at them

- Believing in the idea of repetition (a concept we now reject in American education and often seen as punishment in the classroom) and its great value and importance when learning a skill

-Believing that a child's self esteem does not occur by being told how wonderful they are but being pushed to really achieve and to own their skills and talents

These and many other lessons should not be overshadowed by Ms. Chua's rigidness or her choices in language when addressing her daughters. While it is not necessary to belittle your child and call them names (although I bet more parents do this then they would like to admit!)

There is real value in parents looking at these concepts and learning to demand a bit more of their children. There is a great deal of over-praising in American society for both adults and children (do you notice everyone and everything is "amazing" or "awesome"?). Collectively, we provide them with rules that everyone has to be a winner because they are nice or pretty or they just get the prize because no one should feel left out. We don't like seeing our children hurt and shy away from the lesson that forces them to deal with rejection, loss or sadness and the pride that comes with working hard to get what they want. If parents can find balance in Chua's experiences we might be able to explain away the theme of entitlement we see in so many of our children and force them to take real responsibility, demand what is important, practice coping skills for when things do not go their way and to send a message that real pride comes with real hard work even if we don't always love every part of the journey.

Hey Baby, Hey Baby, Hey!

2010-06-03T13:40:00.011-04:00

Is it crazy round your house? Cause it is crazy here. Between pre K stepping up ceremonies, end year concerts, Kindergarten orientations , Pajama day (yes, I forgot to send my son in pajamas, you can only imagine the moment of realization) remembering every birthday/anniversary and getting ready for camp it's like running on the treadmill of life and not losing any weight! Yes, it's the home stretch for sure and don't think for one second your little ones don't have summer-itis. Don't forget to acknowledge their stress and know those elevated amount of tantrums are their way of communicating to you they need some love and need stress release. I'll be sure to blog on how that's working out for me!

Have you also noticed the summer baby boom starting to take place? Summer babies are extremely popular and I seem to be getting a lot of requests to do workshops on how to stimulate baby and build connections. Below are some ideas on how and why it is important to stimulate your baby and some clues about over stimulation!

Children develop in social/emotional, physical, cognitive and language skills when they play.

According to the Creative Curriculum (used by many daycares), when children engage in play, they can:

Learn about themselves and others – trust, love, touch, affection, give and take, recognizing the needs of others and empathy

Learn about moving – Fine motor (small muscles), gross motor (large muscles), eye-hand coordination, grasp and carry toys, build, push and pull toys

Learn about the world – rattles, push buttons to play music on a toy, shape sorters, manipulatives that help children to group and explore and learn cause and effect

Learn about communicating – Connecting words with appropriate objects, expressing ideas

It’s all in the timing:

When you're socializing with your baby, be sensitive to any signs that she's had enough interaction: Too much stimulation can overload a baby's neural circuits, leaving her crying or unsettled. It's essentially your baby's way of saying, "I've had all I can take right now."

Here are some signs that playtime is over and she needs a break: Closing eyes - Turning away - Tensing up - Arching her back - Avoiding your gaze - Irritability

A Baby’s schedule and personality changes as they grow, adapting is part of the journey of parenting!

Stimulate the senses:

See, Hear, Taste, Touch, Smell

You are your child’s favorite toy!

Children love and direct attention to:

Faces; your face is a very stimulating tool

Clean lines or brightly colored objects; (black, white and red/primary colors for very young infants) White on Black, a book by Tana Hoban

Smiles;(remind yourself!)

Talk; (play with pitch but use real words, tell them everything you are about to do and are doing, use your baby’s name)

Song; (traditional, make up songs, change the words, rock out!),

Sounds; (make games up call and response from their cooing, cheek to cheek matching pitch)

Movement; dance (bounce, swing, stop and start)

Helpful Tools:

Mobiles: Can promote development of vision and hearing. Look for patterns, circles, high contrast and those that make music. By 4 months children might be able to reach for the mobile.

Mirrors: Children love watching their image appear and disappear in the mirror. Portable toy mirrors that are unbreakable can be placed in numerous locations around your home or can travel with you.

Hand Puppets or soft toys can facilitate language and make for great storytelling opportunities. Look for: Bright colors, boldly contrasting patterns, positive expressions or recognizable faces and sounds.

Grasping and Mouthing: Toys: 3 months +, give babies opportunities to grasp, shake, mouth, drop, and explore objects that they can hold in their fists. Small rattles, teethers, plastic key rings with keys, grasping balls and cloth toys and books.

Books: Read daily; build rituals around certain books (wake up time, naptime, bedtime). Look for board or fabric books, repetitive language, point to pictures, read only one or two words on a page- no need to stay true to the story if baby’s attention span runs out.

Examples of household objects that make great toys:

An empty box, pots and pans, plastic food containers, plastic measuring spoons, tissue paper, hard plastic cups.

Activities:

Infants will follow a slowly moving object from side to side with their eyes – use a toy or twinkle your fingers back and forth, up and down while you sing a song

Talk and sing while looking at your baby, slightly exaggerate your mouth

Where is…? - Lightly cover your baby’s face with a cloth, ask: Where is (baby’s name)? After you uncover say, “There he/she is!) Book connection, Where is Baby’s Belly Button? (By Karen Katz)

Use simple hand instruments or tissue paper while your singing and walk around the room. Let baby turn in the direction that the instrument is coming from.

Roll your baby from side to side, touch legs to alternating arms, do the bicycle, row, row, row your boat, do infant massage with a mild edible oil - sing songs and talk while you do this.

Hold baby in “superhero” position gently move from side to side (helps develop trunk muscles and head control) sing or play the “Superman” theme.

Roll your (4 month old or older) on a “roll” pillow, a large kickball or a small exercise ball. Baby should lie on tummy and gently roll back and forth. With a smaller ball baby can reach down and practice developing shoulder and arm strength.
Sing: "We’re gonna walk and walk, walk and walk we’re gonna walk and walk and stop!" 2X We’re gonna bounce, twist, etc.

Sensory experiences: swaddle, use sensory balls and roll them on your babies hands, back and feet or use a massaging action teether or any other age appropriate product from www.beyondplay.com.

This Memorial Day, Teach Your Kids to Remember

2010-05-28T12:02:00.005-04:00

Don't Know Much About History...
Below is an updated post from July 4th, 2009. The post discusses how I created a new ritual for my children on Memorial Day and why. Since the time the original post was written, one of my same cousin's has begun his second tour to Afghanistan, after returning from Iraq just a few years earlier. As well, my uncle, a WWII Veteran was recently honored at Arlington National Cemetery. He suffers from PTSD till this day.

So the summer has begun and my ideas are many... I have received lots of questions since we went on facebook. Make sure to add us as a fan and encourage friends to join! Please keep sending those questions in and check back often for your answers.

I received a great question from Diane who asked "Is it important to keep my kids connected to patriotic American holidays? While our family 'celebrates' the day off we certainly don't make any reference as to why we have the day off. It seems my kids don't learn much about them at school? Should we be doing more?"

Answering this question is almost like giving me an opportunity at Speakers Corner in London and allowing me to stand on my soapbox! I am getting my 'Patriot on' and posting a few thoughts on how we can and should educate our children about our American holidays.

On to my soapbox...

I, like many of you, grew up thinking that major American holidays were simply created so that I could enjoy a backyard bar-b-que with my lucky friends or family that had a backyard and of course, so that Macy's could have a sale. You know Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, Labor Day and July Fourth which, in addition to a Macy's sale, put on the best firework display in the country! I appreciated many of these experiences as a child (still do) and think Macy's is really one of the few stores that does a great job giving back to New York City.

Something recently changed the way I thought about these holidays. Two of my cousins were sent to war; one to Iraq and one to Afghanistan. (The Afghanistan cousin left a six week old daughter and 5 year old son for a year). Having children of similar ages and being close in proximity we spent a lot of time visiting and watching first hand how our cousins coped without knowing the fate of their dad and husband. Can you imagine not being without your kid/dad/spouse for a year? While I made small references to these "support the soldiers" and other patriotic holidays in the past, looking at these sacrifices that hit so close to home it was clear I needed to do more to connect my kids to the history and celebrations of this country .

I started this past Memorial Day by taking my kids to the Vietnam Memorial in Lower Manhattan. It wasn't easy to see those veterans cry at the wall and deal with such painful memories, but boy, were we ever welcomed! One smile after the next on those Vets faces thanking us for coming! We took the time to remember and the thanks was so heart warming. It was a teachable moment for sure! I talked to my children about why these soldiers were sad and why it meant so much to them to have us there; they felt remembered. History is a favorite subject of mine so I always incorporate a book or small activity about a holiday with both my students and my own kids. For so many educators though, history often falls by the wayside in elementary schools. A teachers' day gets bogged down with the basics and very little time is left to explore and discuss the importance of our history in the way that we should. As well, if parents do not carry over what might be shared in class the information goes no where.

So to my point - This Memorial Day, go to your bar-b-ques ( I know I always look forward to seeing a special group of friends), go to the sales and enjoy the extra day with your kids. However, take the time to share some history about the day and those many other "day off/sale days". Older children (7 years or so) are capable of learning a small bit about the history. For younger children acknowledge the holiday with a craft or song and a small explanation. The important idea is that children learn that these days exist for a reason. You don't have to be a flag waving, Stars and Stripes boxer short wearing, America the Beautiful humming patriot, to learn about the history of the US of A!

You can have your child write a letter to a soldier or send a care package. Here is one of many organizations that can help you make that happen:

Kids do Care

Funky Town!

2010-05-13T12:16:00.020-04:00

I don't know about you but between reading too many mommy blog posts, watching the news and perhaps a few too many Law and Order episodes, I am in a state of doom and gloom with regard to the state of children. It seems that every day there is another case of bullying, children who display a lack of empathy and just general gloom. Frankly, I can't take much more. In addition, I have been in a rotten mood because of the weather here on the East coast and my temper around my kids has been less than stellar. It's like I am in a parenting funk but I am going to make a change starting right now. I'm ready to do some deep yoga breathing and start thinking about devising some new positive approaches. It is time to remind myself to put the funk-y back in and stop letting the media and the weather dictate my mood and my fears.

Question this week "How do you change up your attitude, your routine and the state of your relationship with your kids when you have fallen into a parenting funk?"

Firstly, I am going to apologize to my kids for my recent irritability. Modeling a proper apology for your kids and communicating what you need to feel better is an important start. I found this out from my wonderful teaching mentor in my second year of teaching. Tell kids that you are sincerely sorry and they will not only believe you but forgive you too. I am going to reiterate to my kids that I want them to work harder at following directions the first time and I will try not to lose my temper so easily.

Exercise Together: I used to love doing yoga. With the birth of each child, I did less and less and I currently do nothing. The fact is I miss it desperately. I bought a really fun kids yoga DVD years ago and we only did it a handful of times. This week I'm bringing it back. I am going to make time to do yoga with my kids. I need it and they need it too. My two year old will make it challenging but I have got to try something. Find an exercise activity that you can do with your kids even if it is for 5-10 minutes a few times a week.

Shop therapy: Yesterday we went to the local Barnes and Noble with some friends after school and I bought my kids one item of their choosing, just because. I don't do that too much since the doting grandparents seem to fill that role but sometimes a "just because" gift sends a positive message that "I want you to have nice things and I love you". Check out my Amazon "A-store" for some great book selections!

Write it! Draw it! Say it! Leaving a spontaneous hand written note on the breakfast table or slipping a cute hand drawn picture into your kids lunch can change the mood of the day! A little note with an "I love you", "I am proud of you" or just a silly stick figure picture can send a huge message to your child that says "you are important to me and I value you!"

Connect on a Special Project: You know that crafty birthday gift that your child received? Y'know, the one you are trying to hide or better yet get out of the house? The one that your child has been hounding you to do with them? I have quite a few. Whether it is too messy or too involved consider carving out some time to do the project together. Read the instructions a few days before you even tell your child that you want to do this with them. This way you can make a complete plan of how you plan to approach and time the event. If it is messy, doing it outside in the park might be the solution. If it involves a lot pieces, think about a time when another friend or your significant other might be around to help out. If you don't have or don't want a store bought project to work on, consider creating a family scrapbook, writing a book or picture album to document the past year. Your child will appreciate the time spent with them and you will feel good you did something together.

Invest in a kid destination: I remember when my son was almost 5 years old, we took him to a "Day out with Thomas". It was a special day that brought us all much happiness and made for a great memory. Research and find a special activity that will give your child a great experience and create a wonderful family memory. It need not be expensive but try to make it something new. Part of the reason I think I feel so grumpy lately is because I have been sticking to routine for so long and it's time for me to spice it up. I'm currently researching some local trips and activities in addition to one big weekend trip. I'll keep you posted. Please send suggestions!

Do nice things for yourself: When I was a teacher and administrator I bought myself something new every week. Not necessarily expensive but something new. A new soap, body wash, hair gel, a type of gum or candy, lipstick, a CD something that was just for me. Anyone who knows me has heard me refer to my career and my parenting as "spit and chicken wire" and I just make it work out of sheer love of what I do. I forget sometimes to routinely replenish myself after giving to my family, friends and my clients. It's time for me to remember.

This has reminded me that the little things do matter. Please share how you change up your routine, connect with your kids and how you give back to yourself!

S-A-F-E-T-Y Dance!

2010-05-05T12:40:00.017-04:00

Okay, another missed week, last week, sorry. I am swamped these days. I was a guest on everywaywoman.com's Blog Talk Radio, a few weeks ago. I planned to post the podcast but was having trouble editing (there was a guest before me). I was discussing the topic of children and sharing. I had a lot of fun and will post it on this blog as soon as I can make it more user friendly for you all.

I also had a great time doing the Mom's Luncheon's at babybites last week! Please know I am available to speak on any teaching/parenting topic at your child's school PTA meeting, parent information night, small group parent salons held at a home or even personal consultations. Please contact me with any questions!

So my question this week..."How and when do I prepare my child with safety tips and strategies?"

From the time children begin to be mobile you can let your children know what they are doing is safe or not safe. Putting dirt and twigs in their mouth, "not safe", going down backwards on the stomach on the stairs, "safe". We use the terms on a constant basis hoping to teach our children what safety is about. However, safety is ambiguous and it's about making choices which comes with experience, learned responsibility and time. That does not mean that you can't get your children practicing and learning some basic tools starting at age two and a half:

Know the basics:

Your child should know their address in full by the age of 4, parents and care givers full names, home and/or a parents cell number and what individuals they may go to and with, in case of an emergency. Have your child practice giving you this information a few times a week starting at about 3 and half and continue quizzing them especially before you enter a crowded place where you might lose each other.

Make a Plan:

What if you get separated? What will you do? I tell my children if we get separated they are to find a mother with a baby (not a police officer or security person) and tell them they are separated from their parent and could they please dial mom for them on their cell phone for them? I remind my children they are not to leave with this person but just have them call right where they are standing. Other techniques include making a meeting place at a certain time (if your child tells time) or in the case of getting separated on public transportation - to take the train or bus to the next stop get off and wait for me. If they get left at a stop they are to stay put until I get back to them.

Tell Your Child To Confirm When Plans Change:

I was very proud of my son recently, when he was told by me that his dad would pick him up from an after school program. At pick up time, I get a call from a friend of ours (who is also our emergency contact and has picked up my son on other occasions), saying "Your son wants to make sure he is supposed to be picked up by me." I was confused myself. It turned out that my husband had missed his stop and could not get to pick him up on time, so he called our friend to get our son. Even though my son knew our friend well, he remembered that his dad was supposed to pick him up and made our friend call me to confirm before he left with him. When I realized what was going on, I had my friend put my son on the phone and gave him my okay to go home with our friend. Tell your children that if a plan changes, even if they know someone or something seems strange, call a parent and confirm or tell another trusted adult that they were not aware of a plan change.

Leaving Your Child Home Alone:

There are laws about this and it is different for every county. Depending on your child's age (6 and up) and maturity you might leave your child alone in your home in a pinch. I am not talking about leaving your two year old for a whole day or going out while they are asleep (this is not safe!). I am talking about that quick run to the laundry for all us NYC parents who have to run to the building's basement or the quick run to the neighbors to borrow some sugar. Even though you might be gone for less than 5 minutes make sure you give your child some safety tools .

- First they not only need to know your cell phone but HOW to dial it. Have them practice it until they can quickly and confidently dial you up.

- No eating and drinking while you are not there (if they choke or drink poisonous liquid who will help them?

-No climbing or horseplay. Stay in one place and keep your activity simple, watch tv, play with your baseball cards, DSI or your dolls.

-Do not open the door for anyone. If it is the police or other authority they are to call you on your cell phone.

****Have a family password that signals danger or something is not right. Teach all members of the family this password and when and how to use it. Do not share the password with anyone but the immediate family!*****

-Do not answer the phone unless they hear your voice on the answering machine.

-Know what to do in case of fire. They need to know your escape route and to close the door after they leave to stop the fire from spreading.

-Tell your child when you will be back and stick to it. They can call you if they get scared or worried.

-Another option is to set them up on a phone call or web chat with a family member or trusted adult friend until you get back.

Be Honest and Be mindful with how much Information you give:

Unfortunately, we live in a world with new dangers that seem to pop up daily. The internet, texting and phone dangers, dangerous games , drugs, etc. Talk honestly with your children on a need to know basis about the dangers that can really affect them. Empower them with knowledge so that they can get through tough situations. If you need help on how to approach your child about a difficult subject consult a school social worker or guidance counselor.

Be safe and have a super week!

Beyond Bullying...

2010-04-22T00:14:00.018-04:00

Last year, I wrote a post addressing the 10th anniversary of the tragedy at Columbine High School. Eleven years later and just today on the news they ran a story about two students from Miami who were brutally beaten in separate incidences but attended the same school. As well we see and hear the echoes of the devastating story of Phoebe Prince, the girl who committed suicide as a result of extreme bullying. I am re-posting this story because we as parents, teachers, school administrators and as students, are missing something. Our children are in terrible pain and it's not just the victims but the very offenders, the inflicters of this pain, are in pain themselves. I think many of our fellow parents are afraid to parent, are afraid of their children and for some, really don't know or don't care who their children are becoming. We are not learning as a society how to look for cues and communicate effectively based on those cues. The country has acted swiftly yet again with bullying seminars but I think we need to look beyond this. These incidents reflect the essence of what we are not talking about. Bullying is rooted in low self-esteem and it's not just the victim but the bullies themselves who have low self esteem and believe me, it is not school alone that creates these feelings of inferiority. We are raising a generation of children with little confidence and lots of anger. We must look at our children and ourselves and watch closely. I think we, as a culture, need to rethink what we feel we are entitled to, how we cope with stress, prioritize our wants and desires and develop some real strategies for how we deal with disappointment. Making sense of, or categorizing, these egregious tragedies is complicated and I am not going to try to explain why they may have happened but I know I can play my part and you can play yours too.

This week again marks the anniversary of the Columbine massacre. While I will not attempt to analyze the actions of the boys responsible or debunk any theories of why this terrible tragedy took place, I will comment on what the situation and other situations like this make me think my responsibilty is as an educator and parent.

Know your child

One of the greatest mistakes I see parents make is not understanding who their children are. This creates an inability to parent effectively. To be an effective parent we must try and learn who our children are and provide them with encouragement, access to tools and therapy to help them establish their self esteem and yes, provide them with discipline. Contrary to what many believe, discipline is not a "punitive" word, it comes from the Latin meaning, "to teach". We must teach our children, if they are to succeed. We must not be afraid to address our children's undesirable behaviors in an effective and honest way without cutting them down. Children need to learn what will be tolerated and practice acceptable behaviors. If we don't try to look objectively at our children, it is much harder to provide them with what they need.

Kids are different and we need to parent differently

If your child is aggressive and angry, then you must acknowledge it, discuss it and get professional help for both you and your child, if need be. Anger needs to be channeled into positive avenues and power and control need to be discussed as responsibility. If your child is shy or has social anxiety you must build them up and encourage them to be stronger. Look to find activities that they can succeed at, hook them up with strong mentors and coaches and provide opportunities to make friends that make them feel good. Discuss honestly about tools that will help your child so they are less likely to be a victim of bullying.

I have three children and their personalities are completely different. I sometimes try (I don't always succeed), to make decisions based on my child's individual needs rather than what might work for the group. For example, one of my children felt uncomfortable when we went to the playground on the weekends and going up to classmates and asking "do you want to play?" So I began allowing him to bring walkie-talkies, remote control cars and other inexpensive activities so that the group came to him. It helped break the ice and he left feeling good that he provided the day's activities. Parents need to think outside the box and try different strategies to reach their children. Your ideas won't work all the time but don't stop searching!

Teach Responsibility Now

While adults are the leaders in a child's life it is not too early to begin impressing upon school aged children that everyone is responsible for their own safety and behavior as well as those of our peers. Teach children that they don't have to feel alone or isolated and this little gem: "Tattling is to get someone into trouble, telling is to get someone out of trouble." When we make children responsible for their behavior we help them to develop self confidence, the root of of all happiness in its greatest form.

Media is not real life, teach the difference

My college education and technology professor said "It's not just the shows that are too much for kids, these days; it's the commercials that make promises to kids that are undeliverable." Every moment I feel we are marketed to and sent the message "you need, you want, you should be like, you have to have." And, if I don't get or don't become, I'll be left out. If I feel this way I know my kids feel it that much more. Be your child's reality check; not every icon, toy, video game or celebrity has it all. Talk about unrealistic incidents that are depicted on a show or in a movie, discuss unrealistic expectations, point out why you find a celebrities behavior inappropriate. Discuss honestly about why certain items are allowed into your home, certain articles of clothing won't be worn by your child and why some television shows or movies get a nod and others are forbidden. They may disagree but having an honest discussion does a lot more than just "I am the parent, that's why."

So in reflection of this heartbreaking tragedy and unfortunately the many others that have followed with terrible outcomes, I look to parents to learn, to know, to accept, to discipline and love their children so our children can learn, know, accept, discipline and love themselves.

I wish for all our children the ability to be confident. Only then, will they be happy.

It's Friendship, Friendship, just the Perfect Blendship

2010-04-16T10:25:00.013-04:00

It has been a crazy week. I have been out every night this week including a Mom's Night Out. It was fun and as one mom exclaimed while I danced with great zest, "you can tell you really needed a night out!" No arguments here.

Question of the week, "What do you do when you don't like one of your children's friends?"

I think this is one issue that all parents have to deal with many times over and it usually is a slippery slope. I am answering this only in terms of the pre- school/ elementary school years since middle school and high school friendships have a host of other complicated factors.

Children are drawn to each other for many different reasons. Sometimes children become friends because their parents are friends or because they have certain likes or hobbies. Sometimes children become friends because they are opposites, one might be outgoing and the other a bit quiet, but it works. Friendships in young children tend to have their ups and downs and change as children mature. Parents tend to be very involved in the early years with whom their child plays and how often they see each other outside of school. It is hard to not want to micro-manage your child's rolodex of friends or to speak for your child when you feel that they are treated unjustly by a friend. As well, telling your child that you don't like their friend and don't want them to be around them will do little to give your child the tools to handle relationships for the future. Talking and modeling with your child about communicating and coming up with a plan for certain social situations are important strategies for your child to develop. The hope is that they will eventually be able to decide for themselves when a friend is no longer meeting their needs.

I have one basic rule with regard to keeping my nose out of my child's friendships. When something happens between my child and their friend on the school yard or on the playground out of ear shot of an adult, I encourage them to work it out on their own or help develop a plan for a future incident. If an incident occurs right under my nose and it is getting out of hand, I try to use the situation as a learning opportunity and try to give suggestions or model appropriate ways for my child ( and sometimes their friend) to better communicate their needs and behave.

Dealing with the parent of the child in question is also a really slippery slope. I lost a potential close friend that I thought would handle her son's questionable behavior in much the same way I would. I saw a consistent pattern of aggressive behavior towards my child and finally I set up, what I thought would be a teachable moment for both boys. What I did was offend her, so much so she never wanted to talk again. While I am not completely sad that our boys don't play anymore and I don't miss having her as a friend, it could have been much harder for me if I had offended someone who I might have cared deeply about. I have also heard about countless parents who call and tell other parents about what their child had supposedly done based on their child's account. The only time I would do this is if my child came home from a drop off play date and my child claimed they were hurt or very unhappy. I would call to find out if the parent or nanny knew anything about it and address it from there. Know that even your sweet angel, can misinterpret and get the facts wrong. If you are not present and did not see first hand what happened, don't be too quick to accuse another child of wrong doing. It's a surefire way to become enemies with the parent.

There are are a variety of different approaches you can take to deal with your child's friendship that you may not happy with, here are some ideas:

The Uneven Power Struggle:

In some friendships there seems to be one child that has a stronger will and often directs what will happen every time the children play together. While the more submissive child may agree to this at first over time, they tend to feel "ignored" and may even begin to get angry. Practice and role play with your child appropriate language like "I feel like you are not listening to me and it makes me upset." Or, "I'd like you to play one of the games I suggest this time". Children become worried that if they speak up their "friends" won't play with them. Our goal is to get our children to understand that if they are consistently ignored by their "friends" then maybe they are not "friends".

The Fresh Mouth Friend:

Everyone had one friend that taught them all the "bad" words. My parents still blame her for my filthy mouth! Kids usually learn the major curses by the end of kindergarten and can even begin to use them on each other. I remember when my son came home from pre-school and told me that a young girl (whose mother is still a friend of mine) told him "sh*t was a bad word." Instead of being outraged I said "Yes it is. Make sure you do not use the word at home and do not use it on other people." It was the best I could come up with. The fact is that kids will experiment with these words and we can just set firm parameters around when and how they use them. If you feel your child's friend is way too inappropriate be firm in telling your child that play-dates and other events will be limited if they cannot control themselves around their friend.

The Wild Child:

He taunts other kids, she is a "mean girl" and when your child hangs out with them they are virtually unrecognizable. This is one situation where parents have to make it clear for their child that they will not tolerate the behavior and have a firm talk about being "influenced" by another. I try to be pretty honest with my kids and pointing out that they are allowing someone to turn them into an unlikable person sometimes. Words and terms like "follower" and "making the decisions they know are right" , "leader" and even what's called an "I" message: "When I see you behave this way with your friend it makes me feel disappointed", can send a strong message that this relationship is bad news. Talk about options and what you child can do to monitor his own behavior and how she might remove herself from the child.

The Frenemy:

Many of us have been in toxic relationships. We want to be liked and accepted by those we deem to be "cool"or "popular". We hope to feed off their mojo and feel "cool" or "popular" too the more we hang out with them. This is the friendship that looks like it's tight but there is a lot of jealousy, competition and back stabbing going on here. Your child may come home angry, aggressive, moody or sad after a play-date. Your child will a feel a great deal of confusion around this relationship and getting out of it may cost a lot more then just this friend but a whole group. This is a tricky situation and the best we can do is talk about what is really going on and help our child to cope setting friendly limits. Learning the hard lesson of what friends they can really trust and who might be just an acquaintance will take time, practice and a bit of heartbreak but it is an important lesson to learn.

Finally, encourage your child to be friends with children from different groups and to not only count on just one other child but a few children. Continue to encourage and make it possible for children to have a play-dates and attend events with children that are positive. Continue to remind your child that friends should make you feel good. There will always be one in the crowd that you don't love. If your child continually falls into the wrong crowd or you think they are missing blatant social cues and your conversations are not helping, consider professional help such as an occupational therapist, child psychologist or developmental pediatrician.

Perhaps another post will address the friendship problem of "Nice Parent, Nasty Child" but for now I hope this post lends enough friendly advice!

Day Care Decisions

2010-04-08T21:48:00.007-04:00

As soon as you find out you are pregnant and step into any Baby mega store, you realize very quickly that you are going to be faced with a lot of tough choices. It can be pretty overwhelming whether to buy the Graco or the Britax car seat or to choose the right type of bottle or nursing bra, and that is just the beginning, it gets worse! Finding a day care (if you can get passed the choice not to go the nanny route) can be downright daunting if you don't put it into perspective. As a mother of three children, 2 of whom went through day care and one to begin this fall, I've put together a post to help other parents know the types of day care out there, what they should be looking for and the right questions to ask. In the end, you'll be repeating this process over and over again if you stay in New York City. From what I hear, the Middle School, and High School application process put both parents and kids sanity to the test. Look for a post (most likely a rant) on that topic in about 3 years!

There are two main types of day care programs found in New York City:

Center Based Childcare – Usually a chain serving children ages 2 months - 4 years. Children are grouped by age. Full day programs often with additional hours if needed before and after school regular hours (for a fee). There will usually be 2 teachers per class; one head teacher with a bachelor’s degree and one assistant with an associate’s degree or less. Often a large facility with a Director that serves as both an educational head and sales associate. Assistant Director deals with administrative tasks. Tends to stay general on philosophy.

Family or Group Childcare – Usually established and run by an individual in their home. Children’s ages are often mixed but may have age requirements. May have limited flexibility in terms of hours and may close during school holidays. It is often a small and intimate setting, often in an apartment. Owner is usually the head teacher (may not have a degree in education) and there is at least one assistant. Usually mission of program is very strong and director looks for both children and parents who are the right fit.

Questions to Ask:

What time does the day begin? End?

How long can parents stay after drop off? Are parents allowed to visit throughout the day? (Just remember, if they allow you to do this, all parents can do this. This can create a lot of disruption throughout drop off and throughout the day if there are not limits put on this practice)

How is separation handled? Is there a phase-in period?

How is discipline handled?

What is a typical day like for children at this program?

Do children go out everyday? Where do you usually go? If they are very young do they play or go on the swings or do they just go for a stroll?

Do children receive music, movement, or visual arts time?

What is the food policy at the school?

What is the procedure for dealing with children with allergies?

Can I call a former parent or have them call me?

Keep in Mind:

No program is perfect.

Every program loses an administrator and/or teacher at some point.

An educated individual does not always equal a great educator.

Just because your child is shy or withdrawn does not mean that day care is not an option.

Working with teachers is an important task for the duration your child’s school career. Use every opportunity to listen, learn, grow, discuss, exchange ideas, find solutions and disagree with grace.

Children get sick, some more than others. It is not uncommon for children in their first year of day care to get sick often.

What to look for:

Clean, fun and safe. All programs in NYC are managed by the Department of Health and must require all staff to pass a CPR course, child abuse and a basic health course.

Are they certified by NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children)? A national, voluntary accreditation system to set professional standards for early childhood education programs – This is not necessary but if the school has this accreditation it has gone through a rigorous process.

Bright, decorated and updated holiday / monthly walls, all toys should have a place; room should not be too neat but should looked organized.

Varied materials and equipment made available for indoor and outdoor participation.

Teachers should be of mixed ages.

You should feel happy dropping your child off and so should your child.

Television and Technology; Not Your Ordinary Evils.

2010-03-31T23:07:00.011-04:00

Hey gang! Lots of excitement going on here! 3 breadless days behind me, 3 children at home on vacation and 3 big events happening at babybites, with me as the facilitator! I am trying to recover from my cop out post last week and answering a pretty controversial and hearty question this week! Here we go…

A friend recently asked me "How do you feel about television and video games for children?"

I had planned to do this post for a while but kept getting sidetracked with other questions and projects. When I saw an article that addressed this topic come across my twitter page , I thought it would be a great time to chime in. As well, it is Spring Break and I don't know about you but a good portion of this morning was spent in front of the boob, along with some video game playing! And yes, I am "Ask the Educator! Find out why I don't feel too much guilt!

I have never considered television or computers as an enemy. I watched a great deal of television as a child. When I supposedly finished my homework, The Brady Bunch, Good Times, Little House on the Prairie and Happy Days were staples until dinner. After dinner shows such as Love Boat, Silver Spoons, Different Strokes and other eighties gems were a constant. We had an Atari and also played it pretty freely. With all this freedom we were still one of the few families who did not have cable. No cable, meant no MTV (the horror!). My mother used to say "watch it at your friends homes!" I did. It's kind of surprising with all that television that I watched that I did not end up with a dead end life, right? What else did I do with the rest of my time if I watched so much television? "How did I not end up a coach potato? How did I end up going to college? Or, even writing this blog? My answer: Exposure to other experiences. I was enrolled in after school programs such as dance, theatre and music (we’ll save the topic of over scheduling your kids for another post!). I would roller skate on nice days. While after school television viewing could go on for as long as an hour and a half on some days, weekend morning viewing was limited by enrichment classes. Staying home in your pajamas was frowned upon. You had to get out of the house by 1:00PM at the latest and do something, even if it was just taking a walk in the neighborhood. Sunday was family day (This ritual ended when I was in middle school)). We, as an entire family attended a local museum, theatre or musical event or went to Central Park. We ate dinner together almost every single night (through High School) and there was no television viewing during dinnertime, EVER! My parents cared about balance. While there was an excessive amount of television and video game playing we had other opportunities to be social and develop our other skills.

Nowadays we know so much more about television and technology. They're are many more choices and they come with lots of challenges. While much of the data seems negative there are some positives. I meet so many parents who view technology as the enemy instead of looking at how it can be used as an effective tool. I had a friend who did not allow her children to use the computer or view television during the week but often spent a lot of her time yelling at her kids. She was trying to live up to this idea that TV was bad for her kids but did not fill the empty time with anything constructive. Berating her bored children made for a tense home and was making her feel like a failure. I finally said, "just put on a video!" You can approve the content and you can even build constructive questions and information around what they watch.

There are more choices than ever to find shows and video games that are educational and engaging (PBS has some goodies!). Parents should keep ears and eyes open ( even while you are cooking dinner or cleaning the house) so you can ask questions of your child as they watch. You can point out information ("I heard the letter J. Jack, your name begins with a J") and for older children ask them to make a connection to a character or to part of the plot. Questions like "Did you ever feel like that character?" Prediction questions such as, "What do you think will happen?" or "Who do you think is behind the mystery?" (Scooby Doo is great for this type of question) "Can you tell me what happened in sequence?" While television does not replace the important practice of reading, asking these types of comprehension questions can support literacy skills and make for great discussion. As well, parents should make a point to discuss topics that are brought up on telelvision that might confuse or scare children such as violence or sex.

The American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines recommend that children under two should not watch any television and the Director of the Parenting Institute at the New York University Child Study Center in New York City, recommends that parents should be involved in their kids television watching:

“The AAP guidelines that children under 2 shouldn’t watch any TV may be fairly strict and hard to carry out, but parents should be judicious about how much TV young children are watching, and be aware that it’s not likely to be appropriately stimulating”.

“Parents need to act as a TV filter for their children. For example, parents should point out when something is silly on TV that it’s not a real-life scenario."

I remember laughing when a nanny was scolded by a parent, who apparently didn't allow her children to watch any television, because the daughter had a play date with another little girl and television was on in the home. Really, was the child going to become corrupted, or turned into a television addict because of the exposure? Were they watching porn? This type of overreaction stems from fear and control. It is not just the act of watching television that is harmful for children. As an educator in an urban setting, I found that many of my students that clearly had no other experiences other than television and video games, coupled with with lack of supervision and structure, crippled their sense of creativity. It showed up in their writing, their thought processes and their self esteem. It is too simple of an answer to say that television or technology are the only factors that lead to aggressive and impatient children or contribute to a lack of creativity or bullying as some studies suggest.

The Wii, DSi and all the other hand held devices can help hand eye coordination and can even improve self esteem for some children. I'm not saying that there should be no limits when using these devices and I I feel strongly about parents staying on top of children's use of the internet, social media sites and texting. Like all privileges, they must come with responsibility. Yes, it gives us poor parents another issue to stay on top of but making time to talk with your children about technology and setting limits around it can make a difference.

I think in the end it is all about balance. Television and technology play an important part of the way we communicate and live. As parents we need to accept it, use it, monitor it for and with our children and teach them that it does not have to be the only way that we can get our entertainment. The key is to learn when to turn off the devices and get exposure to other experiences.

Happy Easter!

A Cop Out Post But Some Great Information and Links!

2010-03-24T20:45:00.008-04:00

Hey!

I hope you remember me! I missed you last week due to St. Patrick's Day tipsiness. I wrote a post but not only was I too filled up with Hard Cider to edit, something funky happened with the font on the post and I'm even too tired to fix it this week. So, that post will have to wait. This week has been filled with lots of stressful commitments and I have ended up with a pretty bad cold. Maybe allergies. Either way I feel bad. Wiped out. Plus, now my husband feels sick too. And you know, a husband's sickness always trumps his wife's sickness. LOL!

On the upside, I was quoted in two informative articles recently. Please have a look:

Parents Magazine - Creative Ways to Teach Sharing

She Knows Parenting - Your 4 year old - Development, Behavior and Parenting Tips

As I stated above, I am really in no shape to fully answer a parent question this week. What I do have is a a link to an article that gives some great, low or no-cost ideas to do over Spring Break. I really thought they had some gems. Who isn't looking for ways to survive over spring break?

Finally, in this cop out of a blog post I have been invited by babybites, a moms educational group, to facilitate a workshop on the Daycare Dilemma, in April. I'll be talking about the different types of facilities and what to look when choosing a daycare. Please sign up and pass along to other moms or expectant moms who have questions about daycare.

Happy Passover to all the M.O.T.s (Members of the Tribe) out there! I plan to post next week even though I will have the kids home full time.

Sir Elton John on The View Today! And, a "Few" Thoughts About Education

2010-03-10T21:32:00.010-05:00

First, The View this week includes Sir Elton John sitting down at the table with the ladies. It is the first time he will co-host the show and really, is anything dull when Sir Elton is around?

Check out a quote from me on sharing, in Parents Magazine Online

On to the Question of the week: "As an educator, what do you think would really fix schools in America?"

Dear Lord, this is a loaded question. I am going to try to hold off on ranting here but I can't make any promises. I can promise the answer won't be short.

When I was in my late teens and described what my future would be like, I would often say "I'll probably get married, have a family..." I would just let it roll of the tongue as though it was something I understood innately. I said it off the cuff as if there is no real work involved and for sure not truly understanding or knowing what the commitment meant. I, like many of you, later learned after we entered into these very important life changing events, that both marriage and having a family are very real work and require both physical and emotional labor that cannot be described in any handbook or blog post. You simply have to live through it to understand it. Period. I feel the same way about the field of education. Politicians, celebrities, media personalities speak off the cuff about "fixing schools" much like Mitt Romney did on "The View", last week. You cannot just "fix" schools. You need to know schools, work in them and get to know the intricacies of what teaching means in order to understand what is truly humanly possible to help children and their families in realistic and sustainable ways.

Education Begins at Home

Show me a school that is failing and I'll show you a school that has low parent involvement, high levels of poverty and children that are unsupervised after school and have poor access to health care and nutrition. To fix schools such as this, much more then the school needs to be fixed. We must look at the root causes of why a school and their children are failing. I'm not talking about blame but I am talking about holding all parties accountable. For one, social and familial structure has to be saved or at least supported in this country no matter what form it takes. Families come in all shapes and sizes and have a variety of different issues. There needs to be services available to support the needs of the family. Parent training needs to made affordable and available starting at birth and remain open to all that need it. Parents need access to affordable daycare and babysitting programs that take into account early intervention, parenting skills and literacy skills (this should be offered to the middle class and the rich as well) so parents can work if they choose to. There is a great organization that is being formed here in New York City to serve this purpose and I am fortunate enough to consult on this project. I will announce once the program is open for business.

Politicians need to stop worrying about having an exact number of school days or elongating the school year but facilitate and even mandate family partnerships with cultural institutions, libraries, social services. Families might even be given opportunities for foreign travel exchanges. What children do outside of school matters and for families who don't know or can't afford, they don't do. Schools cannot replace families. If you look at failing schools that have succeeded you have administrators and teachers working around the clock pedaling faster and faster to get children to pass the tests, not to create life long learners. You can't have a Ghandi or a Martin Luther King Jr. running every school. Being a strong, passionate educator should be enough.

Tests Hold Only Half the Answers to Success

They are important, they are not everything. With No Child Left Behind just a few weeks away from a rewrite and Diane Ravitch, once one of it's avid supporters, now denouncing its usefulness, I'm curious to see what alternative forms of assessments will come into play. We will just have to hope and see.

Not Top Notch? No Space for You!

We are a results driven society and while this seems to push productivity it has also created a school system that frenetically assesses children. It leaves very little time to analyze the data collected to create learning environments that support learning. In New York City, the application process when applying to middle school is similar to a college application process. Just a couple of years later, they have to do it all over again for high school. The impression has become that the schools are highly selective and the processes are very difficult. Society is shouting that if you are not a top notch student your life will be an uphill battle and if you can't cut it there will be few options for you to succeed. Forget what it does to the parents. College is the ultimate goal and measure of success and for many fields a graduate degree is required. Many students are not ready for this step and they are getting lost. I have been told over and over by students that they feel like a "failure" if they do not get into college or simply can't afford to go and don't want heavy loans for their future. Many "average" individuals have done great things and have certainly carved a secure place for themselves in society (I'm one of them!). It is time to get serious about making college affordable, accessible and offering up alternatives to higher education such as trade schools and internships as real options.

Teacher Training:

I have undergraduate and graduate degrees in education and I can tell you honestly there is very little that I learned in my graduate years that I did I not learn in my undergraduate years. How could my time have been better spent? Many times teachers only learn about new curriculum once they get hired by a school and often have to take time away from their classroom to learn through on or offsite professional development. Colleges and Universities must be connected to the most recent curriculum and philosophy's used by schools and train their student teachers accordingly. I also believe every education student should spend a portion of a semester if not an entire semester abroad, studying and following the education system of another country. I was shocked at how many of colleagues had never been out of New York City , let alone the country. For those of you who have traveled you know the experience you get learning about another culture. It changes the way you see yourself and others. I believe giving teachers a chance to spend a substantial amount of time studying the educational patterns of a foreign school system would raise the level of teachers and learning in this country.

Wise Up

Politicians need to stop throwing the baby with the bath water every few years. No program is perfect and no program works for every child. We need to do a better job to make all parties accountable (parents, teachers, administrators and students). Educators and politicians need to be reasonable when making decisions about programs that give the promise that they will fix achievement. And, government educational systems need to make sure that there are enough resources, enough schools and room for children and their families to be accommodated. There have to be other avenues to success in order to be a productive part of society and accept that learning and intelligence is much more than a philosophy and much bigger than a score.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for reading!

“I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other The View branded items to facilitate my review.”

Goodbye to the Olympics, What's New on The View and Choosing a Camp

2010-03-02T13:21:00.015-05:00

A strange close to a great Olympics, hosted by our friends up North. While the games were exciting there were many teachable moments throughout the two weeks. I particularly liked pointing out to my son how the USA and the Canadian Hockey teams shook hands at the end of the that very intense game for the gold and even embraced, only then to watch the US team's sour faces as they received their silver medals. It sparked a great conversation with my 7 year old, about sportsmanship, pride, behavior in public and recognizing accomplishment even though it may not have been what we had wanted or expected. Can't wait until the summer 2012 for more great opportunities to discuss of geography, culture and understanding the commitment of an athlete!

As I mentioned I am an Ambassador for The View and want to give you a roundup for the rest of the week. They have some great guests and some really stimulating conversations! I personally love, Joy Behar. I think she is reasonable, funny, smart and can laugh at herself ! She is also not afraid to ask tough questions! Here's what's happening:

Wednesday: Best of "View tube" including backstage antics and exit interviews

Thursday: Abigail Breslin from Broadway's "The Miracle Worker" - March is Women's History month and when I reflect on the life of Hellen Keller, I am reminded truly, what an amazing woman she was! Looking forward to seeing this interview!

Friday: The History of Oscar fashions "What will Cher wear tonight?" Remember those days? Looking forward to some serious nostalgia!

On to the Question of the week: "Do you have any recommendations of what parents should look for when choosing a camp for their child?"

Yes. There are entire businesses that devote themselves to answering questions such as this. While I don't claim to be a "camp expert" I do have a few ideas of what you might want to think about. There are more camp options out there then ever before and many of them are providing as much as they can to fulfill all your needs.

Some things you might want to consider:

- Consider your child's age, maturity level, temperament and interests when narrowing down your camp choices. Try to find 3 diverse choices so you can really compare and contrast the attributes of each camp.

-Engage your child in the research. Discuss with your child what makes each camp special. Make sure you give your child a chance to share their thoughts about each option. Attend a camp meeting. Remember camp is not like picking a school. It should be a fun process not intense or grueling.

-Don't necessarily choose a camp that all the kids at school go to. Camp is a great time to make new friends and take a break from the usual school crowd. Be particularly cognizant if the school bully plans on attending the same camp as your child.

-Camp is camp, not a country club. Be careful about your expectations. Unless you're shelling out the big bucks, you will probably still have to make lunch for your kids and wash their towels if your kids is going to day camp. There is also likely no microwave to heat up your child's lunch (yes, a mother asked this at my kids camp meeting. I nearly laughed in her face!)

-Adjust your child's expectations. If this is your child's first camp experience make sure they understand the structure of the day and the experiences they will engage in.

-Consider long bus rides, being a long way from home or the commitment of theme camps. A child who gets motion sickness may not respond well to a long daily bus ride or may need the appropriate provisions. As well, children who do not feel comfortable sleeping away from home may not be ready to go away, even for a week. Theme camps are great but your child should know they spend a majority of time focusing on one activity.

-Look for Camp Directors that are savvy, organized, personable and have a good sense of humor. Directors should be responsive to your questions and concerns. This does not give you permission to ask ridiculous questions or nag the office staff to death on a daily basis:) Read the brochures thoroughly, look online for reviews and ask if you can talk to parents who have sent their child(ren) the summer before.

-Find out the ratio of staff to the group and how many kids are in each group. You may also want to find out how the staff is hired, trained and how they are monitored throughout the summer. You might also want to ask about a camp nurse onsite and any other safety staff/ procedures that are in place.

-For young children, there should be a "meet your counselor evening" before camp begins. Young children do better when there is a familiar face on the first day. Meet and Greets, before hand break the ice and can make a huge difference to a child and for you!

-Second sessions tend to be less full. If your child seems skittish about the camp experience ask if you can pay for the first session and if you can decide to sign up for a second session at a later time, pending your child's adjustment.

-Do not make deals with your child like "If you don't like it, you can leave." Encourage your kids to give camp a fair chance and to develop coping skills even when things don't go exactly as planned . If you give them a way out from the beginning they will feel more apt to use it as an easy option as soon as something goes wrong.

Happy camping!

“I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other The View branded items to facilitate my review.”

Dealing with Test Stress

2010-02-24T22:09:00.005-05:00

So, we are back from vacation and the week has started much the same as every week in this house since Christmas break; one of the kids has a fever and one seems like he is on his way to getting sick, yet again. And it seems like after talking with parent friends this week and seeing many facebook updates lots of you folks are tired of winter and frankly are just having the blues.

Well, here is some sunshine ...I have been made an ambassador for the show The View! Every week for the next 3 weeks I will give a preview of the shows' daily guests, surprise updates and even respond to some discussions that take place on the show! Today on the The View, Thursday, February 26th an entire hour show based around the topic "Trying to have a baby?" I had a very easy time conceiving my first child but had a tough time conceiving my second. It seems to happen to a lot of couples. Whether you are trying for your first or your 5th, they will provide lots of helpful information, so tune in!

On to the question of the week: "My child is in third grade and she is already stressed for the State Tests that take place in April. What techniques can I use to help her deal with her stress?"

Aaaaah, State Tests. It's not that I don't believe in testing or even that I think the tests are completely unfair but the emphasis put on these tests and the fact that in many cases it is the only determination in a child's higher education, has truly turned them into the evil beast of education and has destroyed the joy of learning. Obama says "change" is on the way regarding the assessment of children, so lets keep our fingers crossed.

Until change comes, I think that it is great that you are looking to find ways to help your daughter with her stress. Stress can be brought on by many reasons and it is important that we teach our children coping mechanisms to get them through the tough times, whether it is for tests or for other reasons.

I have found that what works for one student may not work for another so it is important for parents to try different coping skills , especially as children grow and the tests become more frequent and more difficult.

First and foremost is to make sure your child is prepared. If they struggle in a certain subject make sure you discuss with the teacher how they have been doing on assessments in class and if they feel there is a need for extra help. A child will always feel less nervous if they feel prepared. If need be, splurge on a tutor with good references.

Practice breathing techniques (yoga breathing is great!) This is important throughout the test taking experience. Children often break down in the middle of tests because they feel overwhelmed. Constant and systematic breathing can keep a child's stamina up and help keep them calm and focused.

Keep a chart or list that describes what they know and how they are prepared for the test. For example for a literacy test a child might write - "I know what character traits are", "I know what a plot is", "I know what details are", etc.

On most tests I recommend that children look at the questions first. This way they know exactly what they should be looking for in the passages that they read. In math, students should always scan the answers first.

Children should have a plan for when they are confused during an exam or don't know an answer . Take a deep breath, close their eyes, count to ten, raise their hand for help, wait for the proctor to come over, guess if they really do not know an answer, etc.

Parents need to encourage their kids to do their best and not make threatening remarks in the case that they do not do well. One student I know, began to cry during her exam because her mother told her if she did not "do well" there would be no space for her in a top middle school and they would have to move.

Some other stress reliever tips when studying or preparing for exam:

Taking a break to blow bubbles

Chew gum

Kneading Play-Doh or putty

Getting involved in a yoga, Tai chi or any martial arts on a regular basis

“I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other The View branded items to facilitate my review.”

Diary of an Unstructured Staycation

2010-02-17T20:47:00.009-05:00

Okay, on a staycation with the kids and my hubby. I'm feeling a bit unmotivated and if your kids are home with you, I can't imagine you're doing much blog reading so this post will be a shorty! I'm also exhausted from staying up and watching the Olympics. My friend recently posted on facebook that she does not know why she cries during the Olympics, "...like I know them or something..." I was happy to see that my response was not the only one admitting that the Olympics are like one giant Hallmark Card commercial! Check out last weeks post about how you can introduce math, culture, geography, sportsmanship and the dedication of the human spirit all through the Olympics!

In any case, I was hoping to jam pack it with cultural events while I had my husband around but it seems we have done a lot less than I had hoped. Not only are their fewer free choices (the economy plays a part in this!) and it seems like low key agrees with everyone so I'm going with it. Here's a list of things we have done and while they may not seem like much perhaps one activity will be new to you and might help you to fill up the week for you and your kids:

-A Family Film program at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (one film short was Jackson Pollack demonstrating his technique). My 7 year old really liked it. I told him when the weather gets warmer we could try out his Pollack style OUTSIDE, in the park. I'll let you know how that goes!

-A Start with Art program at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

-The Museum of Natural History

-Rearranged the kids room (yes, all three kids aged 7,4 and 1 share a room!)

-A sleep over with a cousin

-Opened up a tent (IKEA) and the kids camped out in the tiny living room

-Garden State Plaza on Rte. 4 in NJ (the Lego Store was a hit!)

-Dinner with friends who live in a house and who have a playroom (any apartment kid's dream!)

-Stopped in our local NY Public Library and picked up a new reading series (I gently encouraged it and also let each child choose a movie)

-Emptied our piggy banks and counted away. We put aside some for charity and virtually shopped on Amazon for items the kids would like to save.

-Going to the Diamond District to trade in some unwanted gold for cash! (A walk on 5th Avenue to follow!)

-Friday, road trip to Albany and joining our friend, the coordinator of Art Night Schenectady

So there you have it. Enjoy your vacation and feel free to share your ideas and thoughts about what to do when you are feeling unmotivated on your staycations!

Secrets, Lies and Kindergarten Admissions

2010-02-02T22:35:00.012-05:00

If you have not read the The New York Magazine article, "The Junior Meritocracy.....Why Kindergarten Admissions Tests Are Worthless" you should. It's a long one so do it after the kids are asleep. The article sheds light on the instability of IQ tests that are given to children at the age of 4 years to determine how "gifted" they are. As well, the article touches on how the validity of these tests are being threatened by some desperate low-life tactics parents and educational tutoring services have turned to; not only buying the coveted IQ exams but selling them on websites as though they were state secrets.

My thoughts:

I agree with what much of the article depicts but I think there are some major questions and solutions that are overlooked:

1. Why were many public school Gifted and Talented (G&T) programs developed? Many of them were created to entice middle and upper income families to send their children to public schools. Until the NYCDOE decided to use the OLSAT as the standardized test for entrance into G&T programs (about 3 years ago) admission exams were described as an "arbitrary hodge podge" means of assessing children across the city. That leads me to ask if the programs were truly gifted programs to begin with? Were these students truly gifted or did they mostly come from "nice" neighborhood families paired with an average curriculum? And what about all the children that were tested and qualified for the gifted programs but ended going to regular programs because there was no space for them? How are they coping? This is not to say that some children are not truly gifted and that some programs are not valid but how are we assessing these kids and what really qualifies as a "gifted"program"?

2. I met a parent last year whose 2nd grade child had come from a private school that required an IQ exam for entrance into the school. Because of financial reasons the child was now attending a local non-gifted public school. At the first publishing party the mother became quickly embarrassed that her daughter's work was clearly far behind her classmates. By the first report card she had received notice that her daughter's promotion was in doubt. The child was put into the public school's extended day program and the mother hired a tutor. While the child's intelligence is truly not the question, the gap in knowledge and skill clearly impacted the child's academic achievement. What role does moving from one set of standards and a difference in educational philosophy play?

3. The article quotes an individual stating that "50 to 60 percent of the test is teachable." While this may be true, is any one else concerned that a major factor in intelligence is actually processing and synthesizing new information and material? Are parents that coach their kids not fearful that once their child gets into a gifted program, they won't be able to handle the workload?

4. As an educator, I had a vision for myself, my students and my classroom. While the dreams should guide us, more often then not our educational dreams get sidetracked by the harsh reality that is dictated by our students' needs, the parents, administrators, state and city mandates and time constraints. One private school administrator was quoted as saying that he wanted "...a class full of daydreamers", and "wanting kids who don't want to answer the questions on those tests in the way the adults want them to be answered, because that kid is already seeing

the world differently". While a bit idealistic, this attitude may unfortunately lead kids to be

classified as weird, or as having focusing issues or having a learning delay. Hey, it sounds nice

and liberating in a magazine article.

5. Finally, I think a major solution to this G&T craze in New York City is to, I don't know, have enough strong, well run, differentiated, neighborhood schools that are in a child's catchment so they don't have be tested for G&T programs or put in a lottery just to make it into kindergarten. How about sinking your money into that Department of Education!?!

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Praise Yourself!

2010-01-28T10:19:00.000-05:00

This week, I don't answer a question but write about an experience in my own home that reminded me of a practice I used when teaching.

When I was a student teacher one mentor said to me, "Do a self assessment each day. Review in your head what went well and what you would have done differently. Build a solution around the negative that you can implement tomorrow and make sure you praise yourself as you would your students for the positive." I never forgot those words and it helped me become a better teacher. It can help parents too! Read on!

So most of the sickness is out of our home from last week. While we slowly seem to get back into the swing of things there seem to be some minor bumps along the way. My oldest son wants to know "Why homework exists?" and states endlessly that "brushing his teeth" and "school" are the "worst things ever". My youngest son, who has always been super needy seems to have reached a new level of neediness and my daughter, who is on her way to losing her second pair of glasses, seems to be regressing (acting like a baby, wanting to be treated like a baby, etc.). For my boys, it seems that getting back into the swing of things is hard and the rigor of the daily schedule has to to be conquered step by step. For my daughter, perhaps it is because she detests her glasses and it is having an effect on her self esteem or it may be because most of the attention was lavished on the sick boys for the last two weeks. I'm sure it's a combination of things but no matter what, it's tough.

Well yesterday it all came to a head when she had a nice, juicy, long tantrum. I know with tantrums you can try to prevent them, diffuse them or have no choice but to go through them. Timing, place, age of child and intensity of the tantrum has a lot to do with the way in which you choose to handle it. In this case, I had no choice but to go for the painful ride. I decided I was going to keep my cool and use the strategies I know can work. I could tell she was tired as she whaled "but I want hot chocolate!" I kept telling myself, "I am going to keep my cool" along with the deep yoga-like breaths that I seem to recall working years ago. My sweet girl was practically spitting venom from her mouth, repeating that she wanted " hot chocolate" and throwing herself on me, the floor and everywhere. I stayed firm, kept my voice low and even continued to walk her back into her room over and over until she had calmed down. Did it take long time? Yes. Will I always stay this calm? No, but I have decided just as I compliment and thank my children when they demonstrate good behavior (It's a very meaningful thing to do) I will now congratulate myselffor handling tough situations well with my kids. We parents tend to beat ourselves up when we lose it or feel like we handled a situation poorly. We handle a great quantity of these episodes so well and never bother to praise ourselves or encourage our victories. So I hope you will join me in celebrating, or at least taking a moment to recognize (" I handled that well, go me!"), what we do with our children that works.

I will now take note of:

-The successful conversations I have with my children

-The times that I keep my cool

-The times I diffuse a tantrum

-Finding other solutions that keep both me and my kids happy

-The times when I try a new approach

-The times when I think on my feet

-The times when I stay firm and consistent

-When I create a successful experience

-When I create/recognize and discuss a teachable moment

-Prepare anything in a timely manner

I invite you to share a situation you handled well when dealing with your child.

Kids and Social Action, Tips For Parents

2010-01-19T20:33:00.010-05:00

So, it has been a tough day, here. My oldest son's eardrum ruptured and my youngest son has a high fever and has been crying all day long. I am hoping in my shoe box of an apartment that my daughter miraculously escapes the germs that are dancing around the bedroom that all three kids share. Not fun. When there are days like this I try to remind myself, this is parenting and we all know from the current events that it could be much worse. Much , much worse.

On another note, I was talking with a friend about this blog. While I know I am kind of the "mom and pop" store of the blogs, with few bells and whistles and awards from fellow mommy blogetts, I hope that the information is no less helpful and continues to do what it sets out to do: to answer your questions, honestly and with humor. I can't pretend that I have the time to post daily. I have to be honest about what I can handle and deliver quality versus quantity. As always, your feedback and responses inspire me to do better, dig deeper and stay committed.

A quick note: In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. My children attended the childrenforchildren.org event in NYC. We have done it for 3 years now and each time it has been a wonderful experience. Please take the time to learn about the ways you and your family can get involved and please keep it in mind for next year.

On to the question of the week: "How do we talk to our kids about a disaster like the one that occured in Haiti and other disturbing pieces of news?"

When I was in the classroom I required my students to keep up with current events. I would tell parents to encourage their kids to read the news weekly and look beyond the all too often sensationalized news stories that tend to defame the famous and force us to look at gory details that can give even the bravest of adults, nightmares. It was important to me that my students would be exposed to stories about kids doing amazing things or some new and interesting discoveries that were being made. But there are times when a tragedy is so terrible that it cannot help but rock the very soul of the human spirit and would be considered burying our heads in the sand as parents, if we did not discuss it with our children. September 11th, the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean, Hurricane Katrina, Haiti and stories such as these are hard to hide from our children and yet if not handled in the correct manner can leave our children feeling scared and anxiety ridden.

Keep in mind the age of your child and what they really need to understand.

According to the Kidshealth.org website, parents can take a number of steps to inform their children about the news on a "calm", need to know basis only "including the truths that a child needs to know."

Tips for Parents

Keeping an eye on kids' TV news habits can go a long way toward monitoring the content of what they hear and see. Other tips:

Recognize that news doesn't have to be driven by disturbing pictures. Public TV programs, newspapers, or newsmagazines specifically designed for kids can be less sensational — and less upsetting — ways of getting information to children.
Discuss current events with your child regularly. It's important to help kids think through stories they hear about. Ask questions: What do you think about these events? How do you think these things happen? These questions can encourage conversation about non-news topics too.
Put news stories in proper context. Showing that certain events are isolated or explaining how one event relates to another helps kids make better sense of what they hear. Broaden the discussion from a disturbing news item to a larger conversation. Use the story of a natural disaster as an opportunity to talk about philanthropy, cooperation, and the ability of people to cope with overwhelming hardship.
Watch the news with your kids to filter inappropriate or frightening stories.
Anticipate when guidance will be necessary and avoid shows that aren't appropriate for your child's age or level of development.
If you're uncomfortable with the content of the news or if it's inappropriate for your child's age, turn it off.
Talk about what you can do to help. In the case of a news event like a natural disaster, kids may gain a sense of control and feel more secure if you find ways to help those who have been affected.

By now, you probably know many possible ways you can help the people of Haiti. Please take advantage of these opportunities along with your children. My son's school was lucky enough to find a not-for-profit that will pick up everything from kitchen supplies to stuffed animals and have its staff hand it out, personally, on the streets of Haiti. This was a wonderful experience for my children to be able to make a decision to let go of some of their possessions in order to bring another child some happiness in their darkest hour.

Again, I thank you for following my blog. I encourage you share it with friends, colleagues and education/parenting industry administrators.

Play-Dates: A Love Story

2010-01-12T12:14:00.015-05:00

My oldest son and daughter attended a full day, pre school before they were a year old. The day would end at close to 5:30PM and they were tired when I would pick them up. We would pretty much head straight home. For my stay-at-home parent friends, play-groups and play-dates were coveted events and in many cases it was more for them then it was for the child. Since I did not come upon the play date scene until my oldest son was about 4 (considered pretty late here, in NYC), I am pretty terrible at keeping up with them. And while I feel we are all too tired to hang out after school, I sometimes feel like my kids and I miss out on the important opportunities that come with participating in the social phenomenon. So, I will be putting into practice the very advice I am writing in this post in this New Year. I am going to try to be better about scheduling more play-dates for my kids.

The question this week: Are play-dates really necessary?

From an educators point of view there is great value in hosting and allowing your child to have a healthy and ongoing dose of play-dates. Play-dates can facilitate strong relationships that carry over into school, foster important communication skills and can boost self confidence. However, I don't think it has to be referred to in a formalized way and carry the, "let's do lunch", air that it seems to have taken on. The fact is, positive social experiences are important for our children and for adults and it should not be treated as a status symbol or a requirement for an early childhood successful experience. When we invite others into our home we can take an opportunity to model positive behaviors for our children. We can show how to open our space to others, share our food, toys and even reveal facts and interests that our guests might not ever have known had they not come to your home. When our child goes to someone else's home they learn how to behave away from their own parents and school environment. Social-emotional play experiences don't have to be restricted to one-on-one traditional play-dates. Other experiences such as spending time with neighborhood friends, group meetings at the playground or even a day with cousins, help to foster language skills, social skills, problem solving skills, imagination, bonding and even open doors to understanding culture.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when your child has a play-date:

Social Butterfly or Not?

For some children socializing comes easier than others. Some children love having many social experiences weekly, while others would rather have them much less often. Accept who your child is and what they can handle but don't be afraid to gently encourage/discourage if you feel your child could use some social adjustments. If your child has some genuine anxieties, be careful about which children you invite over. Seek out kids who seem to make your child feel good. Another alternative is to invite a few families over for a coffee and cake or for drinks, so children play in a group and have parents nearby.

Watch Your Time:

Be honest about how long a play date should be. Age and temperament of each child should be considered. Some of my kids' friends could stay all day and others need to go after two hours. When my children go to someone else's home for a drop-off play-date I always tell the parent that I will call to check in about an hour and a half into the play date. This will help to gauge pick up time.

Save the Micromanaging:

If you do not let your child watch television or play video games during the week and their friend does, don't attempt to instruct another parent to uphold your rules. Aside from restricting foods for allergy purposes and setting limits around excessive sweets or violent programming, let your child experience another child's environment. This is important for your child to learn that different families have different rules and standards and it does not mean that you have to change yours once they come home. If you are are firmly against something that another parent allows in their home then skip the play-date altogether.

Mind Your Manners :

Remind your children to greet their friends, offer them something to drink and eat, walk them out and thank guests for coming and/or thank the host for having them over. While it is important for your child to learn to be a good host don't overlook the opportunity to teach the guest as well. I have witnessed many parents allowing a guest to treat the host child like a welcome mat in their own home, simply because "they are the guest". A play-date should be enjoyable for both parties and it is essential that children negotiate and get to each choose an activity and share the responsibility for cleaning up. A note about very young children: Children don't actually have the capability of understanding the concept of "sharing" until about age 5. While you can foster the idea of taking turns, telling a toddler to "share his toys", is really asking a lot. For older children, after your child's guest has left, talk about how it went and share what you noticed. If your child had some real problems create some goals for how to handle the next play date.

Summertime and the Living is Easy...

When the weather gets nice, encourage play in the playgrounds and make an effort to go on the weekends. I love when a parent has the courage to send out an email to an entire class stating they will be in the playground at a certain time and "come join us!" Since my oldest child tends to be a bit quieter, we made a plan that when we go to the park we bring an activity or item that can be played with by a group or engage a group. Items have included chalk, a bubble machine, a remote control car, water balloons (make sure they clean up the pieces, they are a choking hazard) a bug catching kit (this really worked!) and walkie talkies.

Finally, keep it simple. Children playing together comes with ups an downs. Gauge when you should intervene and how much. Discuss appropriate social strategies with your children if they are struggling and allow friendships that are not working to dissolve (even if you want to stay friends with the parents) and encourage friendships that are working to flourish.

I'll let you know how I am doing! Please let me know how you are doing too!

"... What's Wrong With These Kids Today!"

2010-01-05T20:41:00.014-05:00

Happy New Year! The mantra for the year (no resolutions here) is the year to be the parent I want to be! Yes Siree! It's more like a life long mantra but one year seems to meld into the next. I do, however, have one New Year's request. If each of you could forward this blog to one friend, one online parenting group, I would really appreciate it.

On to the first question of the New Year: "Can you give some tips on how to help my children with their manners? I was a bit embarrassed at the holiday time. My children seemed particularly, rude to other adults."

Kids being rude seems to be a problem of modern times. The title of this post is taken straight from the "Bye, Bye Birdy" musical. Kids are kids, after all. It's many of the adults out there that I don't understand and have no excuse. While I think that it is unrealistic to make children "perform" their manners for other adults ( I even find it annoying when parents bark at their kids in public and overtly order them to act polite, in the end the kid is embarassed and the parent looks like a tyrant), I do feel it is essential for parents to demand that manners be practiced and discussed on a constant basis in your home. Before I would take my students on any trip outside the building I would discuss what I expected from them. I do the same with my children. I have learned how to anticipate my children's reactions from certain environments and from certain people. Before we leave the house for a big occasion a discussion is held such as "Remember you will see many cousins today that you do not know so well, be sure to say "hello" or shake hands when you meet them and make sure you look at them in the eye" You need not nag but make a concerted effort to prepare your child for how to use their best behavior and manners to handle situations.

While preparing for big events is great, manners have to be practiced and made part of your family's lifestyle. Below are some ideas on how to make manners a central part of you and your child's life.

1. Be polite yourself. Children learn behavior from watching adults. Parents should not only make a concerted effort to be polite to their children and their significant other (use "please", "thank you", "excuse me") but to the world at large. Children watch how you treat the store salesperson or cashier, the doorman or the bank teller particularly when you are frustrated by them.

2. Make sure you discuss with your children how you treat others. " Do you see how I went up to the manager and thanked her personally, after she solved my problem" When there is a situation that you handle badly be sure to discuss your mistakes with your child and ask your children maybe how you should have handled it or what choices you could have made instead. It's not just the words but being able to be in a situation and understanding what needs to be said and done. Being polite is an exercise in critical thinking.

3. Phone manners count. Children do listen when you are on the phone, and yes, even when the television is blaring and you think they are not listening. Using appropriate phone manners, getting names of individuals who are helping you and thanking them before you get off the phone are important skills for your children to understand and learn.

4. Always use real terms with your kids "make nice", "be good" or "share" are vague. Terms like " I appreciate", " I will try harder", "lets take turns", "I don't have the time at this moment", "I don't feel like talking, right now" or making a statement like "when you (hit your brother, leave your dishes, etc.), I feel _____" , are terms that have meaning and help our children to communicate effectively. Strong communication leads to good manners.

5. Thank you notes with limits. While it is nice to have your child write individual thank you notes (it can be a daunting tasks even for adults) you do not want it to turn into a fight or such a horrible task they refuse to do it . Set a time when your child can draw a picture with a general thank you message that can be copied , or take a photo with each gift and have your children write a simple "thank you so much, I love it". on the back.

A word about making your kid apologize. There is some real debate on this topic. I think there are good arguments on both sides and I really think it depends on the situation. You can read more about apologies and kids here.

Looking forward to receiving your questions, continuing to share great information and celebrating the educator in all of us!

Happy New Year!

It's Not Even New Year's Eve and I'm Exhausted

2009-12-30T20:48:00.007-05:00

I admit it, I am totally fried from vacation this week. Alone with the three kids all week and one child with a substantially high fever, has been enough to make me eat lots of chocolate I don't need (but saves me from pulling out the liquor) and I have yelled at my kids more than they deserve. I'm tired and I need a break. And don't think for a second that I have not told myself "2010 is another opportunity for me to become the parent I want to be!"

So my message this week is going to be short and sweet.

I started this blog because I care deeply about the institution of education. I feel that teachers are gifted artists that build the future and have a great deal of power in moving our society to its next level of great thinkers in all areas. While I feel teachers are the professionals and should be given much greater respect, I also feel parents need to know, be connected and in tune with educational philosophy and child development technique and practice. I hope that I have helped to get parents thinking about their role as educators for their children and that through my shared experiences on this blog, both negative and positive that I have lead you into understanding that much like a great classroom teacher, it is not knowledge or perfection that makes you a great parent, but aiming to be better, trying new approaches, laughing at yourself, being honest with your children within reason, forgiving yourself and recognizing that a fair portion of your child's development is out of your control.

I wish you all a very happy, healthy New Year!

Please continue to email me with your questions in 2010.

Sara Lise

Doing the Best We Can

2009-12-14T13:49:00.012-05:00

Sorry I missed last week. Have a wonderful holiday!

"We are among the first generation of self-conscious parents. Before us, people had kids. We parent."

The above quote was taken from a new book written about a father's journey through his son's drug addiction. When I read the quote it made me think of how there are services for every reason a parent could imagine. Even the reason I have this blog is because in this period of parenting there are enough interested parties to read about solutions to parenting from an educator. While the quote might be seen as inflammatory to my parents and parents of other generations, the job of parenting has evolved into a huge industry. I remember my mother-in-law once said walking into "Buy Buy Baby", I remember when I had a choice between two strollers, red or blue."

It seems now in addition to all the stuff we can buy, a barometer produced by individuals and media of all sorts, measures how we are doing and can leave many of us feeling guilty. We are more thoughtful about what we do and say with our children and it seems every few months there is a new group, product or expert to tell us how to do it better. So do we worry too much? I thinks so. This does not mean that I don't think parents should use opportunities to grow and try to learn about the many quality options there are out there but keeping it all in perspective is important. The fact is kids are going to go through the stages they need to go through. While we have gotten better at understanding these stages, have gotten better at solutions to deal with problems and pressures, we still have a certain matter of waiting on the sidelines while we watch our kids figure it out.

Here is a Top Ten list of concerns that I hear from parents and they will probably happen in your home too, no matter what you do (and some helpful advice for when you get there!):

1. Your child will be potty trained. The pacifier will have to go. Any other milestone will be reached at some point. Whomever (you or your child), insists longer and more creatively on a certain issue, will win.

2. Someone has to be the youngest. Having a child with a late birthday does not mean your child will be a late bloomer. A child's developmental faculties do not develop all at the same time. Watch your child's maturity and don't make "being young" an excuse. Check out this NY Times, article Here

3. No one has a crystal ball when it comes to finding programs for your children. Research your day cares, your schools, your camps. There is no guarantee that it will work out. People who run schools can leave and there can always be a teacher that your kid does not jive with. No place is perfect and your child's needs can and will change. when it does not work out this is a great opportunity to teach coping skills!

4. Your children will get hurt by other children, by teachers and even by you. Teach your children various approaches to deal with when someone hurts them. Teach children to expect apologies, to walk away from toxic relationships and to say "you hurt me" or " you need to leave me alone." On the converse don't think for a second your little angel is always, well, an angel. Any child has the capacity to be mean.

5. "It's always something". There is always an unforseen situation that was not planned for, an important choice that was not expected or a tough obstacle. Be thoughtful, creative and do the best you can. Be honest with your children when you are not sure what to do but assure they are loved and will be safe think aloud about how figuring out solutions.

6. Self esteem will waiver. You can tell your child they are "beautiful", "smart", say: " good job" or use the more pc ways to encourage rather than praise your child. There will always come a point when what you think or say will not be enough. Children will increasingly look for acceptance from their peers and it will outweigh your opinion. Give your kids opportunities to work with quality mentors and get involved with a variety of friends that uplift.

7. They will really dislike you at some point. When I was a sixth grade teacher, I would check my students journal entries. I was in shock at how many of my students were angry with their parents and felt that they "did not understand". Open School night became much more like therapy sessions for the parents. Try to be understanding, pick and choose your battles, stay firm on values, keep discussions going and seek help from school counselors or a family therapist if you feel things are getting too big to handle alone.

8. What you want for your child will differ then what they want for themselves. We all have a dream or an interest we want our children to explore. Sometimes children take the bait and other times they show no interest. Children become more adamant about doing it their own way (The terrible two's and three's revisited and when their older they have a vocab to back them up!) Kids sometimes need to choose their path even if we know that the end result might be painful. Discuss the importance of a learning experience and that we must keep trying even when things don't work out the way we planned.

9. Your children will sound like you particularly when showing their anger. It will be the same statement, same pitch and with the same intensity. And you'll think " oh, my gosh, that's how I sound?"

10. They will need you more then they will say. Be there for them even when they push you away. Remind them that you are around to listen. Give them options to talk, write you letters, draw pictures or send you emails.

And remember....All stages, good or bad, end!

Stress: The Ghost of Holidays Past, Present and Future...

2009-12-10T12:58:00.015-05:00

Sorry I'm a little late with the post this week. I 'm swamped with a major project and to be honest, I'm stressed. Not to mention the fact that the holidays start this week! Friday is Channukah and while the presents are ready, I have not had time to pick up wrapping paper. It's bad for the environment anyway, right?

I know that I am not alone here in my complaint about stress. This is crazy time and everyone is talking about it. The rush of it all and the financial pressures, the onset of the cold (switching all our jackets to deal with the weather changes has added a different level of anxiety to the morning routine) and just the plain idea that yet another year is behind us. And guess what? If you're stressed guess who else is? Yup. I have seen more kids crying on the way to school, having blown out tantrums in the playground and the nastiest language coming out of my own little cuties. In fact, three different parents have come up to me in the last week to discuss how they see changes in their children and are just shaking their heads in disbelief.

So our question this week, "Why are our kids so stressed and what can we do about it?"

The Holiday Season:

As I stated earlier, I'm stressed. It's work, it's getting ready for the holiday season, it's going to extra family parties and functions (even during the week), it's all the gratuities I have to give , it's getting presents wrapped and making sure I get the holiday cards out and the fact that I'm sleep deprived because of all these extra tasks, you bet I'm a pleasure to be around. And these are just my issues. My son has a holiday concert that he keeps talking about how "nervous" he is. My daughter is wiped out from all the extra events and is having a very bad time adjusting to the idea that she has to wear glasses and my toddler has eczema all over his face from the cold. Pressure is all around and it does not discriminate by age.

How to Deal: Behaviors, including how to deal with stress are often learned from parents. While I try to talk about staying calm and taking deep breaths in front of my children. All parents can crack in front of their children, this morning I think I earned an Oscar! And when we do fall apart and lose it, the best we can do is apologize when we have cooled down and reassure our children that things will be okay. Explaining to children that even adults can have trouble expressing anger appropriately can bring your relationship to a new level and even open the gateways to help your children to open up to you.

Presents!, Presents!, Presents!

Whether your kids are waiting for Santa, or Channukah Harry or mom and dad to hand over the goods, the bottom line, this is the season of "this is what I want and what will I get?" If you don't celebrate or don't practice gift giving, don't dismiss the fact that your kid can pick up on all the frenzy. Yes, there are a few children that might have regulated themselves and understand that they don't need much or anything and it is the spirit of the holiday that is important. For most kids, it is in their nature to want and to have and the other spiritual lessons have yet to be learned. Children are children and they don't stay that way forever. A parent, I know constantly worries about her kids being spoiled. It takes a lot more than just the holidays to spoil a child. Spoiled children are made that way through years with little or no limits and parents who are afraid to parent.

How to deal: If you feel you the endless presents and the "what else did I get?" syndrome, is something you want to address have a discussion with your child about not being able to have everything. Parents can pick an appropriate number of gifts a child can have and children can make a list to pick and choose what items are most important to them. Beginning a ritual through volunteering, purchasing a new toy for a child though a program like toys for tots or even sending a card to a soldier.

Life is Hum Drum

My son was complaining about his homework incessantly around November. He had never been so difficult when it came to doing his homework and I was pretty concerned. I formed a theory around his behavior and a friend of mine kind of wrapped the theory up into a simple statement, "the honeymoon period is over!" School is in full swing! The new school backpacks are dirty, the pencils are down to the nub and children are expected to know what to do and be accountable. Educators often call this processing time. Children are putting into practice everything they have learned thus far in the new school year and absorbing the information can be overwhelming. In some cases, children can feel overloaded and to be honest, so are the teachers. It would be nice if our children could just talk about the stress they are feeling with us but kids often show us their fears and sadness in other less desireable ways.

How to deal: The best we can do is try to be understanding and continue to leave room for discussion and problem solving.

They Don't Tell You Everything:

Ask any teacher around this time of the year and they will tell you "the kids are crazy!" Think of the anxiety your child might be displaying in your home and then imagine a classroom full of children with the same type of behavior. They might not display their distress in the classroom but dollars to doughnuts the kids are letting it out on each other during recess. I can easily spot a new nasty comment that probably was said to my children at school by another child. It usually is quickly used on one of the siblings in my home soon after.

How to deal: Kids take little emotional pelts from other individuals when they are away from us. It hurts them and us, if we find out about it but we must teach our kids to cope. Helping your child with appropriate comebacks and letting them know that they don't have to listen or be around others who put them down.

There will always be stress and there will always be holidays. And many times they come as a pair. Be honest about it, talk about and try to model the best ways you can handle stress, together.

Chinese Proverb: "Give a child fish, they eat for the day, teach the child to learn to fish, they eat for life."

May you recieve the gift of coping strategies this holiday season!

Can we talk, too?

2009-12-01T20:28:00.005-05:00

I had some interesting responses from readers on my last post, "Can We Talk" so I decided to do a follow up this week. Please, I love your emails but don't be afraid to respond on the blog directly.

First, please make a special point to join me at apple seeds this Saturday, December 5th from 10:00AM-12:30PM. I will be answering questions on any topic regarding development or education. As well, it is a great place to get to know. Apple seeds not only has an award winning play space and classes but even if you do not live close by, they do a super job on birthday parties, haircuts and more! So please come, ask away and pass along to friends!

So my last post "Can We Talk?" discussed the importance of talking with your child no matter how young they might be. One of our readers posted a response, which stated that it is important not to expect an "okay" or even a response from children after a conversation. That we have to go on "faith" that they get what we are talking about. This was a very insightful comment and there is a logical reason why many times there is no response. Children (and many adults I know) need time to process new information. When we bring up something that children may not be able to wrap their head around or something they are not ready to hear they often say at the end or before we finish, "okay, can I go play with my toys now?", as one of my readers wrote me. While it may seem like your child might be brushing you off they might actually be saying "okay, I hear you but I can't handle all of this right now, let me play on it!"

How many times have you had the experience when something that may have seemed insignificant to you is suddenly brought up by your child months later? Just because you have experienced, processed and "filed" the memory, your child may be still discovering what the experience meant and how they were connected to it. Many educational programs (called spiral curriculum) are developed based on this premise whereby information is revisited over time in bits and pieces because of the "processing" that needs to take place in order for children to be ready to understand the information. Taking into account a child's age and maturity level some conversations need not be longer than 1 minute and only need to happen once, whereas some conversations need to or can go deeper, may need different approaches and need to be had many times over a period of time.

I have to say as both an educator and as a parent I see the value in conversing and connecting regularly with your kids. It takes practice and time and it is important to understand your child's cues when they have had enough. Conversations can backfire if you go on too long, push for a "fake" response (like an "okay") or over talk your point. If you miss your cue children will either tell you they have had enough i.e "can I go play with my toys now" or mentally shut down and begin to glaze over (fellow teachers you know that look!).

Here is a great example of a time when I trusted myself to have a tough conversation with my son and how my 7 year old let me know it was time to end it. It's a bit deep but drives the point home.

Recently, we lost a dear family friend to a tragic death. My husband and I were going to the funeral. The untimeliness of the death along with the quick funeral arrangements left little time for me to process as to whether or not I was going to tell my children. The morning of the funeral my son quickly sensed something was wrong with me and my husband. We were very tense and probably doing a poor job at hiding it. "Daddy is not going to work? Where are you and Daddy going" My seven year old asked. I was not prepared to go into it. I was still trying to understand what went on myself. I kept thinking to myself " Do I tell him now?" " Will he begin to ask if me and my husband are going to die soon, since our friend had a son close to his age?" "Will he begin to cry so hard that he won't handle school for the day and I will have to miss the funeral?" "If I send him to school with all this suspicion will I freak him out?" In the end, I told him what he needed to know. Our friend died and I went into very simple detail, enough to satisfy him. " What happens at a funeral?" he asked. I explained. "So he will be in the ground?", he asked. "Yes", I said. Along with a short talk about our religious beliefs (he goes to a weekly religious school class) I said finally, "What will you remember about him ?" My son came out with some super memories. Just as I was finishing my statements about how important those memories were, he quickly said in a very matter of fact but cheerful voice, "okay, mom, I am sad enough we don't need to talk about it anymore."

Children have a great capacity for understanding and building knowledge around new information if told in simple, honest language and for some with just a bit of time to process and to revisit.

So, keep talking!

Can we talk?

2009-11-24T12:20:00.005-05:00

Please join me at apple seeds, Saturday December 5th from 10:00AM-12:30PM. I will be answering all your developmental and parenting questions, for free! Pass along!

Question of the week: Sometimes I feel like I am just battling with my 3 year old son all the time. What can I do to connect with him and not feel like we are screaming all the time?

When my son was seven months old I placed him in a home-based daycare that took two busses to get to. I had two daycare centers across the street from my home but there was something about Joanie, the woman who ran the daycare center, that made me feel like this was the right place for both of us though it was far away. "Mud Pies" daycare, was housed in a two room, small NYC apartment and had children ages from two months to four years old.

Joanie was loving yet firm with the children and the parents. She had a few mantras that you needed to accept if you sent your child to the program: "discipline and love go hand in hand", there was "no baby talk" and "conversations are important and make a difference for children at all ages and stages." The last idea, I used to snicker at a bit. I mean really, how can you have a conversation with your seven month old and expect him to understand? But Joanie believed and she told us parents we needed to as well. When our children would misbehave, begin to throw a tantrum or hit she would look at them in the eye and have a talk with them. "We don't hit. That hurts others. If you want to hit something, hit a pillow." She would say to us parents at pick up "make sure you go home and have a talk with "E" about hitting." So I would. I felt stupid but I did it. The next day Joanie would say "your talk worked, the behavior is better today."

Joanie's approach if nothing else, opened up an opportunity for me to speak with my child rather than shout or do worse. And over time, I began to see that using my words and not just telling my children to, did make a difference. By talking with our children we send a message that we need to tell others (even our children) what we expect from them.

I use "I have to talk to you about something" or " we need to have a conversation" as a constant in my household. When I want to discuss something, such as a behavior that I do not approve of, I try to make time to have the conversation when it is not in the heat of the moment. I find when I do this my children are more responsive to my thoughts and tend to have perspective on their actions. For example, a conversation that might be held at dinner or before bedtime "I notice when we arrive at school that you hit your friends instead of greeting them with a 'hello' or a 'good morning.'" "I'd like for you to think about another way with which to greet your friends." After a discussion of why it happens, etc. and a solution is reached, I would probably say on the way to school the next morning, "remember what we talked about hitting our friends last night?" "What's your plan this morning?" Another example was my daughter throwing a tantrum when we had to leave the playground. Trying to have a conversation while she was kicking and screaming was worthless and almost got me kicked! Once we got home, (yes, I practically dragged her!) I let us both cool down. Later that evening and on the way to school the next day, we talked about if we wanted to go to the park after school we would have to understand when it was time to leave. We have had very few problems since that discussion.

I also find that when I anticipate a potential meltdown or stressful event (like before we go shopping and I want to make it clear we are not buying everything on the shelves) and make time for a conversation and even negotiation, I notice that my children really listen and have an easier time handling themselves when the discussed situation arises.

What is even nicer is that my children have begun to set aside time to talk to me too. When they want something or something is bothering them, they say "mom, we need to have a conversation." As parents, we want our children to feel comfortable talking with us and not shut down as we talk at them. It is a hard and there is no guarantee that the conversations will always work or that the conversations will always have the outcome we would like but as Joanie taught me, it is never to early to start.

So get talking!

Practice What You Preach

2009-11-16T21:42:00.008-05:00

Please join me at apple seeds on December 5th from 10:00AM-12:30PM. I'll be on hand to answer any parenting questions you may have, for free! Come check out the beautiful facility and the boutique is stocked with super books and goodies! Put it on the calendar now!

This week I'm not going to answer a question but share a personal anecdote about something that happened to me this past weekend. I guess one of the greatest joys of parenting is when you experience your child putting into practice the very values you wish to instill in them and while doing so, reminding yourself that you too, must adhere to the same values you preach.

Last week my husband was away on a business trip for four days. Our kids were great the entire week. I have to say, setting daily up routines early in your child's life makes all the difference when you need your children to pull together and be independent. The only time that they seemed to get a little crazy was the night before my husband was coming home (they wanted to wait up for him - they didn't but they pushed the limits on bedtime). He came home at about 8:00AM on the red-eye. The kids were overjoyed but frenetic from the excitement of staying up so late the night before. After hugging the kids and sharing a few stories, my husband just crashed. Unfortunately, the kids and I were up for the day and it was really hard keeping three riled up kids calm and quiet in a small apartment. It was a gloomy, on and off rainy morning but even so, I knew I had to get them out of the house. So I rounded up my rowdy bunch and rushed them out concsiously allowing the children to skip minor hygenic tasks and not preparing for the possibility of being caught in the rain. In other words, they smelled, they were underdressed and noone had an umbrella or a raincoat. I never said I was supermom!

I knew the Upper West Side Apple Store had its grand opening day and I was hopeful that they would be giving away some nice freebies. Plus, I knew that there would be a kids computer game area that would keep them busy at least for a short while. As we walked over to the newest trendy business of the UWS, it began to drizzle. We approached the store and there was a long line of people and they were being admitted in a few at a time while they received a rectangualar box and cheers from the staff as they entered. As we watched the line it began to rain badly. We waited under a nearby awning. My kids began to incessantly complain that they were "starving" and wanted a lunch. Of course my two older children could not agree on where they wanted to eat and my 16 month old did his infamous, impatient yelp which indicated he wanted me to "get moving". I pointed out that they were handing out free stuff at the Apple store and it was worth it to get wet. It worked, and we got on line and let the the rain pelt us. As we approached the front of the line an Apple store employee handed us an umbrella and said "you can borrow this and we'll collect it on your way out." I gladly took the umbrella and we were thankful that we were close to the front. We quickly made it into the store and each received our door prize (a t-shirt). We enjoyed our time in the new, sheik establishment. We played with some games and it was nice to chat with some other neighborhood friends who had come to check out the fanfare.

When we were ready to leave we made our way to the front exit as we weaved in and out of the crowds and tv cameras recording the opening event. I was truly a bit frazzled from the morning but would be lying if I said "what if they didn't collect the umbrella" did not cross my mind. Sure enough, with my two older kids walking close to me and pushing a stroller, I made it out the door without anyone asking me to return the umbrella and luckily the rain had stopped. We began to walk up the block leaving the excitement of the apple store and were on our way to find something to eat. When we reached about half way up the block my oldest son exclaimed "Mom, you still have the umbrella! We were supposed to return it!" With a cross between embarassment and apprehension, I said "Oh wow...I forgot...thanks for reminding me..." At that moment, I knew I had a choice. I could have made up something like "They told me we could keep it." or "It's okay, they have plenty, they won't miss it". But my son's voice was so innocent and filled with righteousness. He was being honest, responsible and proud of it. How often did I preach these values to him? My child was putting into practice what I thought so often fell on deaf ears. I had an opportunity to honor these ideals, and that is what I did.

We walked back to the store and I made a point to tell one of the employees how my son is the one who noticed that I had "mistakenly" taken the umbrella. I secretly hoped the salesperson would let us take it anyway (remember a parents goal is to have your child be better than you!). She quickly took the umbrella, thanked us and then said to my son "thank you for doing the right thing" and handed him another t-shirt. "You see" she said, "doing the right thing has its rewards!" While the umbrella would have been nice and it was clear that the extra t-shirt was kind of a waste, my son did not care. He was proud. Proud that he did the right thing on his own and proud that someone knew it. That my friends, does a proud Mama make!

I reflected quickly on a sign one of my teaching colleagues had posted in her classroom: "Doing the right thing is hard, but it's right!"

Polyglot Primadona

2009-11-10T20:16:00.007-05:00

It seems that my posts are getting out as late as Wednesday, these days. So I'm going to say that my weekly posts will generally come in, early to mid-week from now on because life with three kids and working freelance is pretty darn crazy!

Ask the Educator, went off nicely at apple seeds this past week! If you are new to the blog via apple seeds, welcome! Glad you're here! I will post the next date that I will be at apple seeds as soon as it is settled. Please make sure to stop by!

So, I think it is appropriate to use a question that was asked quite frequently by parents at apple seeds as the weekly question:

"What can parents expect from a child that is multilingual and how can they foster learning?

I'll never forget when my music theory teacher in my sophomore year at LaGuardia High School of the Arts, said, "music, math and language are subjects that are all connected." I remember thinking to myself , "that must be the reason why I am failing all three subjects!"

Not so long ago, the United States had a great deal of controversy about the topic of multilingual children. There was fear that young children whose first language was not English, would hold them back from succeeding in academics. As well, failed programs such as bilingual education classes were being used in the public schools as a crutch and not providing non-English speakers with the tools they needed to graduate and to go onto higher education.

Now, more studies seem to shed a more positive light on bilingualism or multilingualism. In one study in Italy, children who were spoken to in two or more languages from birth -10 months were able to identify and distinguish sound at a much quicker rate to their monolingual counterparts thus creating a child who seemed to connect to sounds more readily and could speak more like a native. As well, children who are multilingual have been shown to be very strong in the subjects of math, music and science. You can read more about why that may be, here . In addition to what seems to be the "academic" benefits, parents of bilingual children are thrilled to foster cultural bonds. The idea that children will be confused by learning a second language or more, have also been quelled. While there is always some initial confusion for the child and even some speech delay, it is most often worked out before school age.

Many experts agree that children begin to lose the their capacity to learn another language at about age 10. Distinguishing sounds, using correct accents and the process of switching between two languages becomes much more difficult at a later age and for some, it is so frustrating they quit. Some studies also suggest that listening to language on a cd or video is not enough. There is great importance in a child looking at lips and actively engaging while using language. The process of language learning needs to be active and not passive.

Parents who are teaching children a second or third language should teach with little translation and full immersion at different points during the day. Reading stories, singing songs, cooking and playing games are wonderful ways to get your child enjoying and listening to language. Be sure to remember that understanding comes way before actual language is spoken so keep going even if you feel your child is not actively using words.

If you are like me, just a monolingual gal, consider getting your family involved in a foreign language class. I recently met a woman who hired her Israeli friend, to come to her home weekly to teacher her family and another family, Hebrew, on a weekly basis. Sending your child to a foreign language class alone will do little unless there is some connection happening in the home. If you choose to enroll your child in a school dual language program, consider study groups and summer intensive programs to support ongoing language learning. Another study has found that while adults will have a tougher time mastering a new language, just trying to learn one can help keep your mind young and active! So getting involved has benefits for you as well!

Adios!

A Most Meaningful Meeting

2009-11-02T21:14:00.017-05:00

I can't believe it is November already!

Please come join me this weekend at apple seeds and ask me your questions face to face!

Saturday, November 7th

10:30AM-12:00PM

10 West 25th Street

NY, NY 10010

On to the question of the week:

How do I maximize my time with my child's teacher during parent teacher conferences?

When I was a classroom teacher I remember how rushed I felt meeting parent after parent. Conferences usually end up being less than 10 minutes and the time truly can get away from you if you are not prepared. Here are some varied ideas and questions that might guide your conference to make it more meaningful. You need to have a bit of an understanding of what your child's strengths and weaknesses look like before the conference in order to choose questions and topics to explore with the teacher.

Creating a Mood

Every good teacher should begin with one compliment about your child before discussing any issues that might need to be worked on. When discussing any issues, teachers should be sensitive and parents need to listen. Conferences should end on a high note with solutions or even discussing a project or piece of work your child did particularly well. I instruct all of my education students to run their conferences this way. If you feel a conference is being handled poorly make sure you take notes and make it clear to the teacher that you are frustrated. If you run out of time be sure to make a follow up meeting. Contact administrators as a last resort.

Know Your Child

If you have not been already, make sure you are looking over your children's work (writing, test grades, worksheets, etc.) weeks before the conference. Even with little contact from the teacher, not all aspects of your child's work should be a complete surprise. Begin to write down questions. Do you notice your child's handwriting seems a bit sloppy? Or that you are not clear on some of the new techniques in the math homework? Is the reading a bit choppy or robotic sounding when your children read to you? Or do they throw tantrums at the thought of doing their homework? Narrow your questions to the two or three that are really important to you. This can also help to navigate the conference.

Discuss your childs reading level

Are they on grade level?

What techniques are being used to get your child to the next level?

Do they have recommended books or book series that might fit your child's needs at this time?

How often are children assessed?

What can you be doing at home to support your child?

See Writing Samples

What is your child writing about?

What techniques are being used to evoke language?

How often is writing done?

How do you critique?

Discuss Math

Discuss mathematical goals for year.

Ask your child's teacher to walk you through any unfamiliar or new mathematical techniques that the class may be covering at the time.

What concepts are currently being worked on?

Does your child make careless errors or do they see a much bigger problem?

Any products that might help you to continue the learning at home.

Other topics

Science, Social Studies, Technology, etc. How are these topics being taught in class? These areas often get neglected with the focus being on the Three R's. Don't be afraid to offer any professional help if you work in these fields. Consider sponsoring a trip as well.

Special help - Know your rights as a parent. Your child should not be tested or receive any extra help (being pulled out or otherwise) without you being notified first and your written consent sought. Contact administration and/or your local district if you do not get a reasonable explanation if this has happened to your child.

Social/Behavior

What is your child really doing well at?

Are they an active participant in class?

What techniques do they use?

Do they seem to interact well with their peers?

Do they transition well?

Can they recommend any special programs that might suit your chid?

End the conference by discussing next steps and what are the best ways to stay in touch with the teacher until the next conference.

Don't forget to visit the special teachers (art, dance, music, etc) they may tell you something about your child that you or even the classroom teacher don't know.

Remember: Don't worry about what other children are doing. Focus in on who your child is and how you can support and foster in them a love of learning.

Videos entitled "How to Get Your Kid Into Harvard"? Not!

2009-10-27T12:19:00.013-04:00

Having a bit of a hard time getting this post going this week, lots of stuff going on. I have many different questions on a range of topics sitting in front of me and well, I'm feeling indecisive, dare I say "unmotivated". I think I will rip a page out out my son's recent work habits, "book" and take the easiest way out.

Before this weeks post:

apple seeds

10 west 25th st ny, ny 10010

On November 7th, 10:00AM-12:30PM apple seeds, will have me as a guest at their facilities! Parents can come on down and ask any question about their kids and their education, face to face with me, Ask the Educator!

apple seeds is an award winning, beautiful enrichment facility and play space. Check out their boutique and super classes! appleseeds

So, rather then answer the question of the week, I will make some short statements about the Baby Einstein , class action suit. You can read the article, here.

First, did they consider that using these videos in moderation (one video a day) has given countless tired, sleepless and overwhelmed parents a much needed break for a half an hour? I looked forward to my showers, preparing bottles and even resting when I popped in the video for my children!

Second, are parents that naive to think these videos would actually make their babies smarter?

Finally, watching TV or videos is not the enemy as some pediatricians and parents see it. In fact, if used correctly it can even become an extremely valuable tool. But I'll answer how, on another post!

The Educator Is In!

2009-10-21T12:29:00.007-04:00

FREE PARENTING ADVICE

Do you remember Lucy from the Peanuts Gang with her famous booth that said " The Psychiatrist Is In, 5 Cents"?

Well....

Pop by apple seeds on Saturday November 7th from 10:00am – 12:30pm and have your most pressing parenting questions answered by an expert (for free).

Sara Lise Raff (www.artsedconsultant.com) is an educator, artist, parent and creator of the blog "Ask The Educator". Sara answers parent’s questions weekly on her blog on all types of topics. They range from setting up reward systems at home, creating routines, understanding developmental milestones, developing reading and math skills with your child, parent/teacher communication, dealing with transitions and a myriad of concerns that parents face. Sara also facilitates various parent and teacher workshops for schools and cultural organizations throughout New York City . Sara will be stationed across from the apple seeds front desk. Come in and meet her!

apple seeds is a beautiful child enrichment facility with super programs, a boutique, a cute cafe filled with goodies for the kids and coffee for the adults!

Come down and ask away!

Sara

Picking the Right Battles Can Win You the War.

2009-10-19T21:54:00.007-04:00

I'm in a bad mood tonight after leaving my buildings' co-op board meeting. Not the right blog to vent, so I'll leave my expletives out of ear shot of my kids and spare you the gory details. Which leads to our question of the week:

How do you pick and choose your battles with your kids?

When I was a classroom teacher I felt my students in East Harlem needed firm rules and clear directions to keep them on task (I have been referred to as a reincarnated nun). I was tough and stayed on top of my class relentlessly which left me exhausted most of the time. I remember when I began my position as a sixth grade teacher I had 38 students, many of whom were extremely tough. One day my class was giving me a particularly hard time and my colleague, who was standing in the gym while I was getting my students in line, said "You may be losing the battle now but you are going to win the war".

Some days my three kids feel like 38 of them and leave me exhausted.

Children at different stages have different requirements, limits or directions that you expect them to adhere to. Some parents are extremely laid back when it comes to setting limits with children while others are way too strict but the ultimate goal most of us should strive for is somewhere in the middle. The idea is to decide what is most important in order to teach your child and shape them. In order for the "shaping" to take place you want to be consistent and follow through while making sure children understand that the requirements that you set for them is what you expect at all times, everyday.

There are days or even periods in your child's life that they are no longer adhering to your directions. It seems as if they have tuned you out or maybe even act like it is the first day they have ever heard your rules as if they were rude guests who entered your home from outer space. You know what I mean! What then? Do you just give up? Beat your head or better yet beat their head into the wall? (kidding) Yell? Punish? Needless to say you will not ruin your kid if they get away without brushing their teeth one night or not zippering their jacket. But when do you have to re-evaluate what you expect from your children? Or change the way you are handling a situation or just plain let it go?

If You're Not Committed, They Won't Be Either

We need to look first at what we are asking of our children. Why is it important that my child follow the directions that have been set up for them? Is it important for their well being? Is it teaching them an important value or lesson? Is it because "I said so!"? There is a place for each and every request and the key is to make sure we use each one for the right reason and with balance. If you don't have the patience to follow through with a request or make a half hearted attempt, your child will most likely respond the same way. If you don't really care or really don't have the strength to go the distance then don't ask in the first place. In many cases it only diminishes your authority.

Know Your Opponent

Second we need to look at if our request fits with the individual child. If you have more than one child you know that children even in the same house have a different response to directions and guidelines. One child has no problem with the the night time routine and the other you might have to work a bit harder to get them into bed. Sometimes you have to be creative and look for new strategies like changing your tone of voice, or rearranging a schedule to get children to do what they need to do. Consider posting rules or directions in your home, creating a reward system or trying to make the task more fun or play a more active role. For example, some children need you to help clean up as opposed to them doing it by themselves.

Are You, Your Worst Enemy?

Third, are you working yourself up over something that is not really important, adding fuel to the fire, picking at a behavior or even worse, trying to argue to win a battle not worth winning? Case in point: My son, who is going through a period of some fresh language and even some talking back was having a fit the other day. He was ranting that "we were mean parents" and that he "never wanted to see us again." Initially we responded with humor, even laughing but I quickly realized this was adding fuel to the fire and leading to a battle we would not win. We could have also gone the route, scolding him for speaking to us so rudely, giving him warnings and following up with a punishment. Instead, I whispered to my husband, "Let him vent and just say 'we are sorry you feel that way'". Within minutes our son calmed down and we moved on.

I truly believe had we kept pushing rules and even taken disciplinary action in this case it would have made matters worse. It just was not worth the battle. Some days kids are more emotional, are releasing pent up stress and frustration or are just tired or not feeling well. Staying rigid with rules and punishments and being inflexible will only lead to disaster.

Nix the Mutiny

Finally, you must have clear ideas about what is important to you and your partner and discuss a flexible plan on the days or periods when your child does not respond. If children know that their mixed messages sent or that parents are engaging in a power struggle it opens the door for divide and conquer on the part of the child and in many cases sends a stressful message. If you find you and your partner are unable to agree on the discipline of your child look at various strategies laid out on the internet or look for books. If you are still unable to agree on a discipline strategy seek professional help.

Burning out on After School Programs

2009-10-13T00:14:00.008-04:00

When I was a child I was, well, not the best student. I excelled in two areas, socializing and the performing arts. I was signed up for music, dance and drama classes at least 3-4 days a week. My folks had seen the original movie "Fame" and even after Coco was lured into a pornographer's den, Leroy impregnated his fellow dance classmate and Doris Fensucker got high at the Rocky Horror Picture Show, somehow this did not dissuade my parents from preparing me to go to the "Fame" school. In fact, it encouraged them and it was their priority to prepare me from the time I was eight, to attend Music and Art High School, the school that the movie was based on.

While after school programs provided me with much needed self esteem and gave me great pleasure they also probably contributed to the fact that I almost never completed my homework and that I was always disorganized when it came to school. My parents knew that academics eluded me and they just encouraged what I was good at. Nowadays the world of education has changed. School is more academic then ever, tests mean much more than they should and the competition to get into specialized schools and programs is fierce.

The question of the week comes from Marilyn, "How do I enrich my child's education without overdoing it?"

While we would all love our children to participate in something we, ourselves care about or never had the opportunity to engage in as a child, there is a fine line between pushing and gently exposing. Some children seem naturally connected to one activity while others just don't know what they like. Create opportunities for your child to be involved and exposed to an array of activities. Taking your kids to sporting events, shows, museums, etc. can open up interests and even if they do not wish to pursue these activities in an after school class they can develop an appreciation for them.

Choosing activities can come from your child or from you. It should be a discussion and children's maturity, temperament and the type of facility and instructor (if known) should be considered. Some children can handle more than one activity a week and others can just handle one. Some children might be more suited to no programs after school but would prefer to take a class on a weekend. Be honest with who your child is right now and find activities and class time that will create the most optimal success for your child.

Can they Handle It?

I was recently quoted in an online article in which I answered a similar question. Read my answer below:

Educational consultant and former teacher Sara Lise Raff, a mom of three, says that the demands of school and how the activity is impacting the child's life should be factors in choosing activities. "Children may feel tired but should not be exhausted after participating in an activity. A child is doing too much if they are unable to eat dinner, finish their homework or required studies on a regular basis, or if they are extraordinarily angry or have tantrums or just want to go to sleep after they come home from doing an after school activity," says Sara.

When it is not working out

After school activities can teach many valuable lessons. Not only do children come out with new skills that stimulate learning and thinking but they engage in a commitment that is of their own choice and requires them to stay focused after school hours. When choosing a new activity for your child to participate in, a discussion should be had about how long the class will be (use a clock), how many weeks it will run (use a calendar) and the importance of fulfilling the obligation.

There is a difference between a class that does not work for your child and your child just being plain fickle. When your child wants to "hang out" on a beautiful day instead of going to class, remind them that they wanted this and they need to follow through. Also watch and see if your child seems to complain going into class and walks out happy. I used to know this feeling when I actually had a gym membership. In the case that your child is truly unhappy make sure you talk with the instructor and share your child's feelings with them. Parents must evaluate the importance of allowing their child to feel and cope with a reasonable amount of discomfort and really having their child be taken out of a program that their child just can't handle. In other words, help your child find coping skills before being rash and letting them just quit.

I also feel that after school programs should be discussed and continually evaluated for effectiveness by you and your child. Particularly if you sign up for a next semester you should ask questions like :

-Are you still enjoying yourself?

-Are you learning new techniques?

-Do you get directions from the instructor?

All after school instructors should let you know their contact information so you can stay in touch and answer questions about your child's progress.

As for the over-scheduling discussion. Use common sense. Read your child's behavior and make sure it is about them and not yourself.

A Sticker Earned, is a Parent Saved

2009-10-05T22:00:00.013-04:00

Today we celebrated my daughter's 4th birthday. I have always said "the days are long but the years fly." Each day I get a better understanding into what other parents of older children have told me: "It does not get easier, it gets different." Oy!

I have received a great deal of verbal praise and email feedback from many of you. While I really appreciate and look forward to your comments please try to share your thoughts directly from your feed to the blog or via facebook or twitter. It will help generate more buzz on the blog and make me feel good! Which leads me to,

The question of the week!

Tara would like to know, "How do I use a reward system to get my girls from engaging in tantrums and other less desirable behaviors?"

What is a reward system?

Reward systems or incentive charts are extrinsic motivational tools that help children to tangibly recognize and monitor their progress when refining a new skill or habit. Probably your earliest experience with a rewards system began in your elementary school classroom. Your teacher might have given stars, stickers or filled a jar with marbles everytime the class behaved. Once the jar was filled or a desired amount of stars was reached, the entire class got a pizza party or some other reward. In some cases, children with severe behavior problems or if you were like me, had trouble getting their homework done, they also might have had their own personal rewards system set up. Many parents use an incentive chart when potty training. If the tool is used correctly, charts can be created to help children to practice and master various behaviors.

Isn't that like Bribing?

Yes and no. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we were intrinsically motivated. Where we followed all the rules simply because it was right and we engaged in tough yet courageous tasks just because the joy of doing right was enough of a reward. If you think you can convince your two year, three or four year old and in many cases even older children, that cleaning their room, wearing a winter jacket when it is 40 degrees F, brushing their teeth, doing their homework or any other "not fair" task you assign your child can get it done through intrinsic motivation, I say "go for it". For the rest of us, we may need some help and that is where a reward system comes into play. Think about it, would you do your job as well as you do without a paycheck? Do you look forward to a bonus or a raise when your work is exemplary? You are not aiming to bribe your children but setting up a system of rewarding children for changing or developing good habits. If you look at my post about Praise and Encouragement it will shed some light on how to not over do it. The hope is to encourage your children to handle themselves differently, not to use the chart as a bribe. For Ex, "If you don't clean your room, you won't get a a sticker."

How is it done?

First focus one one or two habits that you want to work on with your child. Cleaning up their room, being a a good host or hostess, reading or doing homework proficiently, etc. What ever it is, you must make it clear to your children that your are developing a chart that will help you both to keep track of important behaviors. Create the chart in front of your child and if they are old enough they can help too. The chart can read: Each time ______ cleans up her room without a tantrum she will receive one sticker. Once ______receives 5 stickers she will be able to: ____________________. Reward choices should be agreed upon before the chart is completed. The chart should be hung up in a visible space so children can view their progress. Stickers should be kept in a specific place and be given to the child to stick on only when a desired behavior is performed and approved by a parent. Start by making it not too difficult to achieve the desired behavior make it possible for young children to complete the chart by 2 or 3 days. Older children may be spread out over a week . It takes about 21 days for a behavior to become habit for adults. Give at least 10 to 21 more days for children to create a new habit. Important rule: Children may not ask for stickers. Parents must decide when a sticker is rewarded. Do not take stickers away. Once a sticker is earned it stays.

What types of rewards?

For young children, rewards must be tangible, meaningful and immediate. Keep rewards small and simple. A small train, a tiny figurine, a book, playing or earning time to play a specific game or watching a video will be enough. Pre buy all rewards and keep them in your home away from childrens' view. When children reach their goal you can present them immediately with the prize. Stay away from big tagged items, unrealistic trips or food. While children view the prize as the means to an end at first, your goal is simply to recognize a change in habit.

Look for what's Right and Not for What's Wrong

It is so easy to focus on the negative. What is important about rewards charts is that it forces us to look at the positive. Make sure to tell your children or even better catch your children doing the right thing. "You cleaned your room up without me having to ask you . Thank you, please give yourself a sticker." Be clear and specific about why you are rewarding the new habit and not just throw empty praise such as "good job", "you're awesome", etc. Read blog post on Praise and Encouragement.

Finally, if a reward system is really not the route you would like to take then a great alternative might be to just write up a directions or rule chart. Some children just forget or need a reminder of what you expect from them. A chart that simply states, "bedtime is at 8:00PM sharp." "Teeth need to be brushed both in the morning and in the evening." "We use words like 'I need help or I am angry' instead of having a tantrum." Stick to only three to five statements, keep them positive (refrain from words like "no" or 'don't"). Hang the chart in a place that children can look to for reference.

Everything takes time and just remember: Every stage good or bad, ends!

Good Luck!

The Educational Top 10

2009-09-21T23:21:00.005-04:00

I am preparing some great questions that have come in the last few weeks, but until I hunker down and take a bite of my big posts here is my version of the Educational Top Ten for the school year:

10. Have your children prepare backpacks the night before and any other details that can become ugly in the morning hours. Getting your children to take responsibility for their own gear is an important life skill.

9. Bedtime needs to be bedtime. Set routines. Be realistic about the time children an adults need to go to bed in order to function the next day. Stick to your time frames and wake up might only be chaotic versus a massive calamity.

8. Be realistic about what can get done in the morning. Rushing to school harries your kids and turns you into a mad person. See rule #9. I see all you "mad parents" in the morning!

7. I'm feeling like I'm talking to a lot of "helicopter" folks lately. You did all that research to find the best school for your kid, let the educators do their job. Find ways to be involved without moving into the classroom and only question and fret when you really see your kid is not thriving.

6. "What did you do today?" If I used my son's answer to that question for the last 3 years his educational career could be summed up to a resounding "nothing". However all days were mostly classified as "good" according to him. Folks, you can try to ask and you can try to even be more directed such as "Who'd you sit with at lunch?" or "Who got in trouble?" At the end of the day, stop picking and accept what they give. They may just need to process the days' events and need time. If you suspect something might be deeper, contact your child's teacher.

5. Give time for your kids to chill for about 15 minutes once they come home. Encourage kids to eat a healthy snack, take deep breaths or lay down for a bit and then gear up to do homework. Once homework is done to the best of their ability, let kids do what they like. Turning the TV on or playing computer games will not ruin them, just set firm limits on how long. If board games or craft projects are to their liking, encourage it.

4.If your child does not understand the homework let them try the best they can or leave it blank. Allowing the teacher to see that your child is struggling tells them what they need to focus on with your child. Helping your child too much can create resentment and doing it for them helps no one. If you need to, have you or your child write a note stating that you or your child were confused.

3. Pick and choose your battles. We want our kids to succeed at so much but they really are taking in a lot information daily from many sources and they need time to process. If you made School Year's Eve goals begin to refer back to them to keep on track. If not, just be realistic. Children will find their way, just not always on our timeline.

2. Forgive yourself. I give crappy lunches somedays, I yell at my kids, I rush from place to place, I missed a certain notice that tells me to bring in apples to the class for a special project and show up empty handed, I miss the deadlines for the Scholastic Book orders. Tomorrow is another chance to be the parent you want to be.

1. Read to your children every evening, have your children read independently and have them read to you. Look for patterns and practice math skills in fun and real life ways. Talk about appropriate news stories and share ideas and thoughts that reflect upon our world. Foster a love of learning in your home and allow your children to teach you.

"Mommy, I don't like my teacher!"

2009-09-14T21:26:00.005-04:00

So, my homework problems still remain a week later. I did not post pictures from my School Year's Eve event. But, I will. I promise. At least I'll try.

School is back in full swing and questions from parents are rolling on in!

This week's question is from Jackie:

"I am not happy with my daughter's teacher this year. My daughter seems okay but is not ecstatic either. Should I try to have her class switched?"

It would be nice if that every year our children could have a super teacher that completely meshed with both our child's needs as well as our own. Alas, no matter what school, what state, what type of child or how calm the parent, there always will be the possibility that your child will end up with a teacher that does not fit your child's style or your own. It is a basic fact of life. While it can be hard to deal with a bad fit, there are some important strategies you can use to get through the year:

Look at the root of the problem:

Are you comparing this teacher to that super kindergarten teacher your child had last year? Are you listening to former parents of this teacher and letting them shape your ideas about what this teacher is all about? School is still fresh and some teachers feel they need to be really strict the first month or so before letting their guard down. Other teachers are extremely relaxed and others are structured. Make sure you give your child's new teacher a fair chance to show you what they can do. Sometimes first impressions can be wrong and other students or parents experiences don't necessarily mean that your child or you will feel the same way they did.

Make Contact

Make sure you introduce yourself to your child's teacher at pick up. Drop off in the morning tends to be overwhelming even for the teacher. Teachers tend to be more relaxed at the end of the day and more willing to spend a minute or two talking to parents. Even if you don't normally pick your child up, leave work early one day, just so you can show your face. Make sure you only introduce yourself, smile, maybe ask "How are things?" and keep it light. Many teachers dislike being put on the spot and forced into an impromptu conference after school. If your school has a back to school night be sure to attend. If you feel disconnect or your child is still unhappy in late October, be sure to send a gently worded note asking for a scheduled conference to discuss your questions. Keep a log of discussions, meetings, incidences and a copy of all notes sent by you and the teacher.

Watch What You Say and Do:

Children can pick up on both your verbal and non verbal cues. When children feel that you don't respect their teacher they can sense that and become conflicted. Some children want to "defend your feelings" resulting in poor behavior in the classroom, not completing their homework and in some cases refusal to go to school. If your child seems to like their teacher take up your concerns only with the teacher and as hard as it may be, stay civil about your feelings in front of your child. If your child is unhappy with the teacher, be empathetic to your child's feelings but use this as an opportunity to set an example of how to deal with authority and to come up with the best strategies to use when we disagree with an adult. All children need to learn coping skills.

Switching your child:

Most schools will not switch a child because it sets a bad precedent. Unless there is substantial evidence that your child will not do well with their current teacher or that another class is truly a better fit, principals want children to learn to cope with all situations. In the rare case that your school does switch your child remember that any transition can be tough and there is no guarantee that easing into a new class after the year has begun will not produce it's own issues.

If your child's situation is clearly not improving after one conference has taken place between with you and the teacher discussing those issues that are of concern to you and your child, you may inform the principal as to your concerns and discuss appropriate strategies.

Coping Strategies for your child:

Have your child write a note to the teacher using appropriate language.

Ask for some time to speak to the teacher during lunch.

Keep a journal at home so they have an outlet to deal with frustrations.

Assure your child they will get through the year and not to give up.

The Dog Ate My Homework...

2009-09-08T02:03:00.003-04:00

Okay! Well the dog did not eat my homework, exactly. I'm feeling guilty because I did not prepare a real post for this Tuesday. I took a much needed vacation to the Berkshires with the family and ended the "last" week of summer with some super barbeques and some great friends!

Besides, I am going to do a really nice post later this week highlighting my efforts as the coordinator of my son's School Year's Eve party. I honestly don't know why I do this to myself!

What I do have to offer is some great educational attractions that my kids really enjoyed on our vacation .

Old Sturbridge Village: It's a dream come true for all you, Little House on the Prairie, fans! You can see a real one room school house, an out house, a shoe factory, ride on a stage coach and pick up a cool sun bonnet in the store! It's a lot of walking but we all had a great time and learned a lot stepping into New England in the 1800's.

The Mass MoCA: The Museum of Contemporary Art. Contemporary art can be tough on adults let alone kids, and in this place way too vulgar. The upside: Exhibits are clearly marked if it is "inappropriate" for the youngins. So while there are some exhibits that might be fun, most are just not a good fit. What they do have, is a unique children's space set up with funky retro interactive items which include a wall of guitars, old phonographs, a toy piano AND they have a working Atari 2600! With Space Invaders, Indiana Jones and a dozen other games, people! Most importantly they have a creativity space in which children can create pieces of artwork from traditional arts and crafts supplies and recycled materials. A nice cafe is located on the main floor with seating inside as well as picnic tables outside. The food is really great and at not so bad prices, no complaints here!

So stay tuned for a non-traditional post later this week!